What I Think I Know About Adoption

As some may have noted, I've been exploring doubts about international adoption. In previous posts, I discussed my own family history with adoption, and spoke frankly about my second thoughts. In the comments, a few of my closer "net" friends suggested checking out a discussion at THIRD MOM about the ethics of adoption (framed in an "adoption vs. orphanage" debate). Her call for responses got over 50 (!) comments. Troublemaker that I am, one of my comments prompted another post from Third Mom about feelings of guilt over adopting. I thanked her for her clarifying post, and said I would respond.

Well, I've been thinking about it for nearly 10 days, trying to think of how to fit it all in.

I decided to start a new series of posts, called "What I Think I Know about Adoption". It will basically convey, in a declarative way, what I feel is the "truth" of adoption.

I WELCOME people to either support my thoughts with research or anecdotes (thus transforming what I THINK I know into what I KNOW I know), or tear down my thoughts, so I can think something different:

What I Think I Know about Adoption

"Family Expansion" is the favored term within the adoption community for the desire to add children to your family. The desire for family expansion through the process of adoption (as apposed to pregnancy, surrogacy, etc.) has as many motivating factors as there are adoptive families.

A few include:

Infertility
A desire for a child of a specific gender
A religious conviction to adopt
A desire for siblings for children already in the family
A desire for a child without the risk of pregnancy and childbirth

Family expansion can refer to a single parent or a couple, gay or straight, with biological children, previously adopted children or no previous children at all.

Self-interest is at the core of family expansion. You are adding a child becasue you feel it is a benefit FOR YOUR FAMILY.

Another motivation can impact the thinking of family expansion through adoption: that of "saving" a child. This is especially true in cases of INTERNATIONAL adoption. One should be careful in the examination of one's motivations and intellectual honesty before ascribing too much weight to this reason for adoptiong.

Consider:

1. If the money you spent on an adoption was diverted to food aid, etc., more children could be helped.
2. If all the money you would spend RAISING a child (including college tuition, etc.) were devoted to sponsoring children, more good would be done for children.
3. In "saving" a child, you are also "robbing" the child of an indigenous culture, language and extended family.
4. Some alledge that -- especially in the case of infants -- it is the DEMAND for babies which is driving the supply. This dynamic can easily lead to unethical practices, including "buying" babies (agents of adoption paying money to the families of those who offer children for adoption), stealing babies or unduly pressuring mothers to surrender their children for adoption.
5. International adoption can help restrictive governments uphold bad policies and prevent the development of forward thinking policies regarding family planning, reproductive rights, women's rights and child welfare. Adoption helps China from modifying it's "One Child" policy, for example. Korea continues to marginalize single mothers, using international adoption as an outlet for these "shameful" children. Other countries allow their brutalized poor to turn to adoption, rather than make efforts to keep birth families intact.
6. Many of the children "saved" are the easiest to place, while the most traumatized, older children, the children more likely to have lost both of their parents, for example, are nearly impossible to be placed.

Still, the idea of "saving" a child is a powerful notion. Before you even adopt, many may commend you for being "bighearted" or "generous", when, in fact, you are being self-motivated (not in a bad way, you simply want a child!)

How to answer this "commendation" from family and friends is often one of the first schisms between how those deep within the adoption culture views things, compared to those outside of this culture. Some people get angry. Some simply say, if told that their child will be "lucky"; "No, we're the lucky ones."

Being conciously self-motivated is probably a healthy outlook. Adoption parenting is not easy, and you will probably be more engaged over the long-haul if adoption is something you are doing for your own gratification than out of a sense of charity. There are other ways not buying into this pattern of thought will make you a better parent. Traumatized adult adoptees are quite forthcoming about the damage it does, hearing things like, "If it wasn't for us, you'd be starving... a child prostitute... a drug addict... dead." Usually, these comments are made in the throes of a massive fight, probably when the adopted child was a teen... and richly deserved getting scolded. Still, without the pernicious notion that the child was "saved", such comments wouldn't roll off the tongue so easily in heated situations.

Thinking critically about what adopted child would fit best in your family (even if the family is just a single would-be parent) will help make the best "fit", and give the family the best opportunity for happiness for all involved.

A few things to consider about the child:

1. Country of origin
2. Gender
3. Age
4. Race
5. Religion

Are you interested in a sibling group?
A child with special needs?

Again, it's good to be honest, because to be a postive influence on your adopted child, you will need to embrace all aspects of that child's history and do your utmost to instill pride in your child. So, if you don't like Chinese culture, or if you are uncomfortable around black people, for two examples, you need to be self-aware enough to face these facts and plan your family's expansion accordingly. A far worse crime than admitting these pedispositions is adopting children of a different racial, national or cultural background, then, out of discomfort or disinterest, failing to help you child connect with these crucial aspects of his or her identity.

Such failures only bear their bitter fruit as the child matures and feels alienated from those who look like him or her, or, even worse, has internalized a sense of anger or hatred towards himself for being "different". As adult adoptees attempt to fill in these blanks themselves, they can grow resentful towards their adoptive parents. Adoptive parents can feel threatened by the aggressive exploration of this denied identity, and relationships can become strained.

ETHICAL ADOPTIONS

Another important consideration is to ensure that your adoption is ethical.

Some countries, including the United States, Canada, Australia and most Eurpoean countries have joined such contries as China, India, Colombia, Philippines, Mexico, Poland, Thailand, Brazil and Moldova have joined the Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption is an international treaty that seeks to prevent corruption in the adoption process for signatory countries by:

1) Ensuring that intercountry adoptions take place in the best interests of children; and
2) Preventing the abduction, exploitation, sale, or trafficking of children.

As a result, all of the adoption agencies within the United States are regulated according to these stadards. In a perfect world, this means that even when adoptions occur from non-sigatory countries, such as South Korea, Kazakhstan, Ethiopia or Russia, these programs are held to the same high standard as adoptions between signatory countries.

Unfortunately, being a signatory country does not guarantee that the goals stated above are met. Such was the case with the Guatamala program. Currently, although Guatamala is a signatory country, their program showed many signs of problems and abuses. Currently, many countries have suspended adoptions from Guatamala. The United States is proceeding on a case-by-case basis, with strict oversight.

Guatamala has failed to regulate notaries processing adoption or the foster care that occurs between relinquishment and adoption. As a result, some foster care allowed for the physical abuse of kids. The conflict of interest that existed (and still exits) for notaries dealing directly with relinquishing families and adoptive families created an environment ripe for pay-offs, bribes, baby buying and even baby stealing. The situation has gotten so bad the the United States government now demands a DNA match between supposed birthmothers and the children they are relinquishing, due to the "numerous cases in which impostors who were not the children's actual birth mothers attempted to relinquish rights to children who were not theirs."

Imagine finding out, or even SUSPECTING that your child was STOLEN from his or her mother's arms? Such horror is a reason why EVERYONE involved in adoption must go to superhuman efforts to make sure that all adoptions remain legal, all processes remain transparent and all actions are taken for the benefit of the children.
A good agency in the US does not guarantee a "clean" adoption.

The US State Dept. advises:

"Even if a U.S. adoption agency has an unblemished record with such offices, however, and even if the agency itself is operating completely with the best intentions, the lack of oversight and regulation over the other actors in the Guatemalan adoption process make it extremely difficult for even the most ethical agency to be completely certain that everything has been done in accordance with the law and in the best interests of all the parties."

Of course, it is easy to substitute ANY country for "Guatemala", which means that ANY international adoption program has the potential for the kind of corruption that trades paltry amounts of money for the devistation and abuse of children.

Another option for many countries is PRIVATE ADOPTION, in which you hire an attorney or other advocate in a country to directly pursue an adoption through that nation's courts. I don't know much about this process, but would love to find out more from those who've gone this route.

I'd like to end this post with a question -- how, as waiting adoptive parents, do you ensure ethical adoptions the world over?

Next, I plan to discuss first families, poverty and adoption.

Oprah at Howard University

I was watching C-Span the other day, much to my wife's endless amusement. Evidently, I have the viewing habits of a 90 year old man, as I cannot watch something without seeing a commerical for the Hoveround. But I digress.

I saw Oprah speak at Howard University, and I thought she did a great job (like she needs my approval). Like a lot of guys, I was not always on the Oprah train. But the special about the Leadership Academy turned me around and the PBS show about her discovering her geneology cinched it.

Here's the biggest chunk of it I could find on the 'net, courtesy of CNN.

Here's another massively informative post from the wittily named SELAM WITH CHEESE ON WRY about the dirty little matter of AFFORDING adoption. Not much discussed, perhaps because it adds to the impression of adoption as a branch of America's economic imperialism (not my opinion, obviously). However, outside of one or two people, I don't know any millionaires adopting. Hope this helps inform and inspire, as well as kick-start a dialog about even MORE ideas:

Selam with Cheese on Wry: How to Help

When we started researching ways to pay for this adoption — and all of the nickel-and-dime fees that seem to inflate the cost (our expected costs actually doubled) — we were simultaneously shocked, pleased, and saddened by the fact that we already practiced most money-saving tips offered by others. We were also determined to find creative avenues to creatively pinch pennies. So, with the help of several authors and seasoned adoptive parents, we came up with this list of creative ideas to share with other prospective adoptive parents as well as family and friends who might be inspired to help. It’s by no means comprehensive or complete, so post your comments if you have more suggestions. We’ll keep adding to it as we find new resources. While the focus is on funding, we also offer other suggested ways to help. The journey to adoption is not always (not ever?) a smooth ride and adoptive parents will also need emotional (and spiritual) support from family and friends.Why should you help? That’s something you really need to answer yourself. But if you can, it’s one way to really show your support for the adoptive parents, their choice to adopt, and the adoption itself. Here are some things you can do to help adoptive parents:

PREPARE YOURSELF

Do your best to educate yourself about adoption so that you can support the adoptive parents as they embark on this (often tumultuous) journey. We recommend starting with this book: Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know.

DONATE DOUGH

This is an expensive venture and few adoptive families have the funds to cover all of the costs even after going into some serious debt. While giving a cash donation directly to an adoptive family isn’t a charitable deduction for tax purposes, most immediate family members can gift up to $11,000 per year tax-free. (Note: Some agencies have a charitable fund set up to accept donations from family or friends, so that giving is tax-deductible. Check with your agency to see if they offer this service.) Even small amounts are much appreciated. If you feel compelled to give in this way, the adoptive family would be most grateful.

Click here to contribute $5, $10, or any amount you choose to Dan and Shannon’s adoption.

OFFER A LOW-FEE (OR NO-FEE) LOAN

For most adoptive families, a one-, two-, or even a five-year no-interest loan would rock! While the adoption process and fee schedule is often spread out over time, there’s almost always a “balloon payment” at some point, usually towards the middle of the process, but often before the referral. (For instance, about 3-4 months into the process, we’ll have to come up with about $15,000 in fees. Yikes!) Many adoptive families will qualify for the adoption tax credit (which is applied after all expenses are paid) and that credit can be carried over from year to year for up to five years. There are, however, several restrictions. Check with your tax advisor or the IRS website for details. Adoptive parents, click here to find resources for grants and loans.

PARTICIPATE IN FUNDRAISERS

There are any number of ways to support adoptive families by helping them raise funds. Check out some of these options:

INK JET RECYCLING - Collect used printer ink cartridges from friends, family, and/or local businesses and schools. The program is free for everyone and it’s a great way to be green and help out the adoptive family! Most programs (like ours) provide free collection boxes and pre-paid labels/mailing supplies. We earn a small amount for each cartridge mailed in. The super groovy thing about this program is that even non-earning cartridges get recycled and stay out of the landfill. Please let us know if you’d like any mailers (or if you live nearby, feel free to drop off your empties)…

CELL PHONE RECYCLING - Collect used late modelcellphones from friends, family, and/or local businesses/schools. This is similar to the Ink Jet recycling program with free mailers, etc. Some inkjet recyclers also recycle cell phones and vice versa.

SALES FUNDRAISERS - Adoptive parents might try to raise funds by selling goods. Often these fundraisers are similar to those you might find in schools: popcorn, candy, or small goods. Some adoptive parents may even try to coordinate a fundraiser that also raises awareness (for international adoptions, this often involves free-trade goods that benefit craftspeople or co-ops in other countries). We are currently investigating options to sell fair-trade Ethiopian coffee. Stay tuned!

PATRONIZE THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY’S HOME BUSINESS - Does either adoptive parent have a side-business (e.g., Pampered Chef, Creative Memories, or even the dreaded Amway)? Hey, you’ve got to buy gifts for birthdays and holidays anyhow, so why not kill two birds with one stone and stock up early? Or if either of the adoptive parents have a specialized skill, perhaps you could offer introductions that would help them get side jobs on evenings or weekends. Help out those adoptive parents, especially if you know that the extra income will go to the adoption!

Shannon runs three different businesses and is channeling all profits into the adoption:

1. Consulting - Shannon is a professional consultant and grant writer for non-profits and charges reasonable fees. Pass along her contact information to anyone who may be able to pay for her services.


2. Custom Gifts - Shannon sells her darling (if we do say so ourselves) hand-crafted wares — everything from invitations and cards to scrapbooks and gift ensembles! Click here to visit Shannon’s stamping blog and see examples of her work. Click here to view a sample price list of common items to order.
   


3. Scrapbook and Stamp Supplies - Shannon sells top-of-the-line rubber stamps, scrapbooks, ink, paper and cardstock, and accessories through Stampin’ Up! Place an order for yourself or, better yet, collect orders from friends, family, and co-workers. Orders will ship direct to you. Click here to view the current Stampin’ Up! catalogs (and share with friends), then contact Shannon to place your order. Beginning immediately, all profits (20% of all catalog sales before tax/shipping) will be applied to our adoption fundraising. Or, if you’re interested in retired stamps and scrapbook accessories, visit Shannon’s Sale Table!
   

BUY NEW SHOES! - Seriously, keep on shopping, but with a slight twist. There are several programs that do this, but we’re looking into OneCause (similar to a rewards program, you can click-through shop online at many of your favorite merchants, and those merchants do the donating. Up to 36% of each dollar you spend goes to the National Adoption Foundation, and they’ll split the buckaroos with the adoptive family). But, the process is quite unclear to us at the moment. When we get more information, we’ll update this section. Another option is to sign up with any of the online rebate companies, like ebates — or for a fee-free cash-back credit card, like Discover (if you don’t already have one) — and pass along the rebate check to the adoptive family.

COLLECT ON THE FAMILY’S BEHALF - If you really want to help out an adoptive family, do a fundraiser on their behalf. Either choose to take the lead on one of their established fundraisers or start one on your own: sell candy bars or cookie dough or something you make yourself, ask local merchants to contribute items that you can sell for profit, host a car wash, sponsor a golf tournament, rally a local community group or classroom to fundraise on the family’s behalf… You can actually raise some pretty decent money doing this and, believe me, it takes a huge stress off of the adoptive family.

GIVE IN KIND

Another way to help is giving in-kind gifts or your time. This won’t always help with the adoption fees, but it might free up the adoptive parents’ budget or time, which is sometimes even more valuable. Here are a few examples:

THINGS THAT WOULD HELP EARLY IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS

• Books to build a good library. See our wishlists for adoption and Ethiopia.


• Help with non-adoption-related stuff - Though adoptive parents can get tunnel vision about the adoption, many still have other everyday tasks piling up. Some parents might need help with household repairs, yardwork, or other tasks. If you have a specialized skill — or even specialized equipment– that you could donate or loan out, please do!
  


• Babysit - For adoptive families who already have kids, this could be a huge help, especially when stress levels are high and parents just need a break. Keep it gratis or do it in trade.


• Pass along savings - found a great coupon for something (free!) that you probably won’t use? Everything from free food to free entertainment would be appreciated, so pass it along. Most likely, the adoptive parents are already clipping coupons, but every little bit extra helps.


• Pass along your hand-me-downs - the adoptive family has probably given up what most people consider “basics,” not huge indulgences, but the little extras that spice up day-to-day existence: magazines, video subscriptions, new clothes (new anything!), going to the movies, theatre, or museum. Don’t hesitate to offer, especially if you’re ready to toss it out or give it away anyhow.
  


• Be a workout buddy, especially for the adoptive mother. Pregnant moms-to-be naturally adapt to carrying heavy loads over a 9-month period. And they continue to develop their carrying muscles as children grow from teeny tiny newborns to larger kiddos. Adoptive mothers, on the other hand, don’t have mother nature forcing their bodies into shape and often find themselves pulling muscles or seriously injuring their backs shortly after placement (especially when they adopt older, and often heavier, kiddos). You can help by scheduling workout dates with one or both parents (don’t expect them to invite you…despite knowing better, this might land low on their priority lists). Yoga, strength training, or outdoor activities like walking around the block are great. Invite the adoptive parent(s) to join you at the gym, especially if you have guest passes (gym memberships might be one of those budget cutbacks). Or, if fitness is your area of expertise, offer regular “classes” or develop a customized health plan for the adoptive parents.


• Indulgences - adoptive families have most likely given up most of life’s little luxuries. Pamper adoptive parent(s) with little treats like lunch/coffee/dessert or even a day at the spa. Or, send small gift cards (for coffee, snacks, movies). It might save their sanity!


• Send a care package or a thoughtful note - A box (of homemade cookies or low-fat snacks!, or a great movie and some candy, or even basic necessities for everyday living, like toothpaste or paper towels) is always welcome. Or, send a note of encouragement for the stressed-out couple. It’s a nice gesture that might just make their day.



• Schedule a date to get together and get their minds off of the adoption. Try to keep the conversation off kids.


• Pray, if you’re so inclined. It’s not all about the money. Pray for a trouble-free and speedy process, safe travels, and healthy children who can be quickly united with their adoptive parents. If you don’t pray, be positive and encouraging to the (potentially stressed and/or discouraged) waiting parents.


• Ask if there is anything you can do (if you’re willing), then do it.
  

THINGS TO HELP WITH TRAVEL

• Donate miles/points/rewards from your frequent flier or frequent stay programs: free hotel stays, plane tickets, or upgrades. (And don’t think that those upgrades are a luxury! Traveling 18 hours on a plane with two tired and terrified children, not to mention tired and terrified parents who don’t fit well in those coach seats, ain’t gonna be easy.) Chances are that the adoptive family is going to incur a huge travel expense, so this is an area where you can make a big impact on their bottom line. (With airfare at $2,000 roundtrip per person on average, we expect our travel costs to add up to $5,000 - $7,000 or more for the low-budget options.) There are several ways to help with miles:
  
  Redeem your own miles for the reward. This option gets the most “bang for the buck” whether you or the adoptive parents pay for the (minimal) service fees.
  
  
  Transfer your own miles to the recipient’s mileage account(s). There is usually a per-mile cost plus a small transfer fee. At United, you can transfer a minimum of 5,000 miles and a maximum of 15,000 miles to each recipient. The cost is $.01 per mile plus a $35 service fee per transfer. This is a good option if you don’t have enough miles to redeem a reward, or if the adoptive parent are short by a several thousand miles.
  
  Purchase miles for the adoptive parent(s). This is a bit more costly and is really most useful only if the adoptive parent is short by a few thousand miles for a reward ticket. If you’re willing to spend this much, you may want to consider giving cash instead.


• Be a “friend” for refer-a-friend programs.The adoptive parents might belong to various incentive programs, such as frequent flyer, frequent stay, and other rewards programs. Often these programs have referral bonuses of free miles or points when friends sign up. Since most programs don’t cost you anything, both parties (you and the adoptive parents) benefit. You can help us by signing up for any of the following programs and giving our referral information:



Mileageplus Visa. Get up to 21,000 bonus miles for United Airlines, free upgrade certificates, no annual fee for the first year, and 1 mile for every $1 you spend. Heck, it’s kind of silly not to sign up. We get 5,000 miles for each referral who gets a card (up to three people). Call 1-877-273-7138 (Chase credit cards). Tell them that a friend referred you (and give them Shannon’s mileageplus number — call us for that first) and that you’d like to apply for a Signature Visa (Mileageplus) credit card. Shannon’s tip: put every purchase, no matter how small, on your Visa. Keep track and pay off the balance each month.


Bank of America. Open a checking account and earn $25. We earn $25 too. (Actually, if you open a savings too, you can earn more, up to $50 total.) New customers only. We love BofA so much that we still bank there even though there are no branches in our state. Ask us for a referral code to sign up online or in your local branch.


My Points. Earn points for shopping or often for just browsing websites. We earn points when you join. This program also has a downloadable “Points Alert.” Points can be redeemed for a variety of gift cards and goodies. We’ve been doing this for years and have regularly “cashed in” points for gift cards to Target, Walmart, Bloomingdales, Starbucks, Chili’s, and Olive Garden. Ask Shannon to email you a Refer-a-Friend link.

• Collect “points” to help the adoptive parents earn free things. We collect MyCokeRewards points and we’re saving for a digital camcorder. Email us with any unused codes or mail us bottlecaps and/or the carton codes (usually in the pull-off section on fridge packs). And it’s not just “coke” but any Coca-cola brand product (Barq’s, Fanta, Dasani are a few, but click here for a complete list). Points needed: 12,871. Points accrued: 93. Points still needed: 12,778. Every point counts!
  


• Send a care package for the parents, the baby, or the orphanage — or all three! Ask adoptive parents what they need. Chances are they’ll have a long list of over-the-counter medicines and baby/travel necessities that will add up fast. Most adoptive families are also asked to bring donations for the orphanage or care center, but there are often specific needs, so ask first. Contribute as much as you can. Those little guys need everything they can get. And it really is the children who benefit from your generosity.


• Give (or loan) good-quality audio-visual equipment, or offer to be a personal photographer during travel. Parents will want to capture the entire experience for their children’s Life Books, but if they don’t already own this equipment or have a volunteer photographer, most likely they won’t be able to afford it once they’re well into the process (and debt). Another alternative is to hire a professional photographer in-country to accompany the adoptive parents while meeting their child/ren for the first time. This might not be as expensive as you think, but do make sure you’re getting what you expect before you shell out any cash.
  

THINGS TO HELP PREPARE FOR BABY

• Help the adoptive parents find good deals - one indispensable read is Baby Bargains by Denise and Alan Fields. While this book can be checked out from most local libraries, it’s worth the small investment (and the authors even offer a money-back guarantee). Note: make sure you get the most recent edition as it is updated frequently.
  


• Help prepare the nursery - set a date to help with painting, wallpaper, furniture assembly or other decorating side-jobs.


• Host a baby shower for the expectant parents (adoptive parents are expecting and should be treated the same as pregnant parents).
  


• Give a gift from their baby registry.


• Send a book. Kiddos of all ages love stories. Here’s our wishlist for kid’s books!


• Donate your hand-me-downs, especially for first-time parents. Don’t hesitate to ask what they need or offer your gently used stuff. It may be double-trouble for some people (like us), who are hoping for twins or siblings. Note: most safety experts shake a stern finger at certain hand-me-downs like cribs and car seats, even from known entities like friends and family. If adoptive parents — especially nervous first-time parents — politely decline these items, understand that they may diligently following suggested advice and you should take no offense.
  


• Offer to run errands - the “O” factor (overwhelm) can drag anyone down. If you don’t mind pitching in, then there’s a lot you could do: interview potential nannies, pick up something at the store, go to the post office…whatever might help the adoptive family. For a more coordinated approach, schedule a time once a (week/month?) to run errands during specific hours. You’ll probably get a list of to-dos!
  

THINGS THAT WILL HELP AFTER BABY ARRIVES

• A stocked fridge. Make arrangements to stuff the adoptive family’s fridge and cabinets full of healthful goodies while they’re traveling. Or, ship a care package to arrive on their doorstep shortly after they arrive home (if you’re not local, order from an online food/grocery store). Prepared or easy-to-prepare meals are especially welcome. Don’t forget soft solids or formula for the little one(s).
  


• Food on the table. Whether new or seasoned parents, they probably won’t have the time or energy to cook after a long return trip. Make arrangements to have someone deliver a meal each day of the first week or two that they’re home. Gift cards to nearby restaurants (especially those with take-out) will be more than welcome.


• A stocked nursery. While you’re stocking the fridge, make sure that there are sufficient diapers, wipes, and basic medicines in the house. Also be sure that the nursery/kids’ room has clean sheets and a set-up crib/bed. There’s a darned good chance, especially for international adoptive parents, that both baby and parents will come back feeling ill — either from food/water bugs, a cold/flu, or just sheer exhaustion from travel. They will all want to collapse and not having to prep anything before they do will be a Godsend.


• A clean house. Coordinate with other friends and family to tidy the house before they get home. If possible, organize a group to descend on the house (with advance warning) a couple of weeks after parents are home. They’ll think you’re the greatest! Or, even the occasional clean-up would save mom’s sanity.
  


• Other help. Parents traveling back from some international destinations may bring back more than their children. Giardia and other types of food- and water-borne illnesses are typical and can result in loss of sleep and nutrition, and ultimately add extra stress. Though it’s a crucial bonding time for parents and children and visitors are often discouraged, if parents are particularly sick, they may need a helping hand to care for their children.

Darfur: Get Educated, Get Agitated

www.enoughproject.org
A Plan B with teeth for darfur
By John Prendergast and Colin Thomas-Jensen


Strategy Paper 2
May 2007

A Joint initiative of the International Crisis Group and the Center for American Progress

If there is a Guinness Book of World Records entry for most threats issued with no follow up, the international community’s response to Darfur is likely setting a new standard.

Barking without biting is the diplomatic equivalent of giving comfort to the enemy. In the case of Darfur, it may be even worse. Each time during the past three years that the Bush administration or the UN Security Council has threatened the Government of Sudan but failed to take action, the Khartoum regime has been emboldened to escalate its destruction and obstruction in Darfur. Its past practices make clear that the regime no longer takes these threats seriously, and will continue to flout international opinion until there are specific and escalating costs to its actions.
In these matters, it is best to rely on empirical evidence.

And the preponderance of evidence shows that during the 18 years it has been in power, the regime in Khartoum has changed its behavior only when faced with concerted international and regional pressure. Three times the regime has reversed its position on a major policy issue, and each of those three times the change resulted from intensive diplomacy backed by serious pressure—two ingredients sadly and shockingly missing from the response to Darfur today. The three cases are the regime’s support for international terrorist organizations during the early to mid 1990s; its support for slave-raiding militias in southwestern Sudan throughout the 1990s; and its prosecution of a war in southern Sudan that took two million Sudanese lives. (See “The Answer to Darfur” on www.enoughproject.org for case histories.)

When the lessons of this regime’s behavior are taken into account, the answers become clear and obvious. Continuing to ignore these historical precedents may condemn hundreds of thousands of Darfurians to death.

The necessary ingredients for the stabilization of Darfur are:

• a peace agreement that addresses the remaining issues of the non-signatory rebels and broader Darfurian society (see the new report on the peace process by the International Crisis Group at www.crisisgroup.org); and

• an effective civilian protection force, the starting
point for which is the “hybrid” AU-UN force mandated by the international community but rejected by Khartoum.

There is ongoing debate about how to secure those two critical peace and protection objectives, the first two “P’s” of what ENOUGH, a joint initiative of the International Crisis Group and the Center for American Progress to abolish genocide and mass atrocities, calls the “3Ps” of crisis response. The third P is punishment: imposing a cost for the commission of mass atrocities and building leverage through these measures for securing the peace and protection objectives.

Setting a firm deadline triggering meaningful and timely action is crucial. Last month, the U.S. accepted UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon’s appeal to delay U.S. and UN Security Council sanctions in order to give diplomacy more time, and the administration indicated that Khartoum would be given two to four weeks following the Secretary General’s April 2 request. A month has now passed, and, as demonstrated by recent attacks by helicopter gun ships and a build-up of Janjaweed forces in West Darfur, Khartoum continues to pursue a military solution.

Though further delay is abhorrent, there is a silver lining. The Bush administration’s current Plan B—the measures that President Bush was going to announce during his April 18 speech at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum but then delayed in order to give diplomacy more time—is inadequate. In delaying implementation, the administration has given itself time to prepare a real Plan B—a set of punitive measures with teeth. Further, it gives U.S. diplomats time to use the U.S.’ month-long chairmanship of the UN Security Council (May 2007) to move Darfur high on the Council’s agenda and coordinate Plan B efforts with the European Union (which has indicated that its own Plan B sanctions could go into effect as early as June) and other international actors willing to impose a cost on the regime for its actions.

On May 18, one month after the President’s initial speech, the White House should announce a revised set of Plan B measures and allocate sufficient resources to implement them swiftly and effectively. One month is a fair amount of time after President Bush’s speech to see whether the UN Secretary General’s diplomatic efforts will have had effect. If not, then the U.S. should impose Plan B on that date and work with allies to make Plan B as multilateral as possible.

AN INADEQUATE PLAN B—SO FAR

Most of the measures the administration was prepared to announce in April lack clear and decisive plans for implementation, are too unilateral in nature, and are too weak to have a major impact on the calculations of either regime officials in Khartoum or on intransigent rebel leaders. After ten years of dealing with unilateral U.S. sanctions, the Sudanese government and its commercial partners have by now figured out how to circumvent any additional U.S. measures.

The U.S. has been blocking many Sudanese transactions since President Clinton imposed sanctions in 1997, and the Sudanese regime has had ten years to prepare for the next round. A new Sudanese oil industry has grown up around these sanctions, and the oil business is conducted without interference because this new sector is beyond the scope of existing U.S. sanctions. Though the oil industry has grown to dominate Sudan’s economy, the U.S. has little understanding of its operations, and has not committed the resources to collect such information.

Perhaps most damning, because the administration has for five months leaked information to the press about Plan B, the regime has had ample time to develop a plan for working around new, additional sanctions.

The United States cannot realistically impose robust sanctions on Khartoum unless and until it has enough information about how Sudanese business is conducted to prevent Khartoum from hiding its transactions. The U.S. should therefore undertake an “intelligence surge” by the CIA to gather detailed and comprehensive information on Sudanese companies with financial ties to the NCP and on individuals responsible for atrocities that have been or are being committed in Darfur. The U.S. should also undertake an “enforcement surge” and ensure that the Treasury Department devotes additional staff and resources to aggressively act on this new information. (As currently constituted, the Department of Treasury’s Office of Foreign Assets
Control (OFAC) cannot effectively enforce new sanctions against Khartoum without reducing its focus on other, critical sanctions regimes). Intelligence
and enforcement surges could bring the U.S. up to speed on the critical facts and capacities that are needed to effectively implement any punitive measures. And without a clear strategy of rapidly escalating pressure through a variety of economic and legal measures, then the deadly status quo will no doubt prevail.

Both of these steps require political leadership and long-term vision. Since the fall of 2001, the U.S. has counted on the cooperation of Khartoum in global
Since the fall of 2001, the U.S. has counted on the cooperation of Khartoum
in global counter-terrorism efforts and the administration continues to welcome and work closely with many of the same Sudanese intelligence officials who are responsible for Khartoum’s policies and actions in Darfur.

Members of Congress have begun to question seriously the extent of Sudan’s cooperation with the U.S. on counterterrorism matters, but stepping up the practical pressure on Khartoum may well generate opposition in the intelligence community. Similarly, the expansion of economic sanctions—particularly those that affect Sudan’s oil sector—may complicate an already complex relationship between the United States and China.

The point is not simply to punish for punishment’s sake, even though America’s signature on Genocide Convention does oblige us to punish the perpetrators of what the U.S. government has repeatedly labeled genocide. Punitive measures are necessary to gain Khartoum’s acceptance of a durable peace deal for Darfur and the deployment of an effective international force to protect civilians.

Similar measures should be imposed against leading rebel commanders and political leaders if they are deemed to have committed atrocities or are obstructing real and balanced peace efforts, which so far do not exist.

As important as it is that the U.S. act to implement a Plan B with teeth, our ability to leverage action by Khartoum will be exponentially increased if we act multilaterally. The U.S. government already has unilateral sanctions in place against Sudan that bar U.S. companies from doing business in Sudan (though allowing U.S. businesses to work with the Government of South Sudan), and freeze assets in the U.S. or in the control of U.S. citizens of the Sudanese government and certain government-owned Sudanese companies. Enacted in 1997, these sanctions did affect the calculations of the regime in the past, but they have since run their course as the Sudanese regime circumvents U.S. institutions in its commercial dealings.

Even more important, however, the fact that existing sanctions are unilateral means that Khartoum has the practical advantage of accessing non-American
financial systems and investors, and the political advantage of knowing that the international community is not acting in concert. Punitive measures applied by the international community acting as one will have a much greater impact on the pocketbooks of those responsible for crimes against humanity. Moreover, the Government of Sudan will have a much more difficult time scoring propaganda points when the U.S. is not acting alone. It is therefore critical that the U.S. works with its partners in the UN Security Council and other forums and shares both intelligence and responsibility for enforcement.

A PLAN B WITH TEETH

Financial and Legal Components

The following initiatives could be implemented immediately at little cost, but would require a strong diplomatic effort to rally multilateral support and increases in staffing and resources to ensure aggressive implementation.

• TARGET SUDANESE OFFICIALS MULTILATERALLY: Impose targeted UN Security Council sanctions—including asset freezes and travel bans—against persons responsible for crimes against humanity in Darfur. Such sanctions have been authorized in previous UNSC resolutions, and called for in multiple reports from the UNSC Sanctions Committee Panel of Experts, but they have not actually been imposed on any official of import. The U.S. effort now underway would target only three individuals,
one of whom is a rebel leader, in addition to four individuals designated in 2006, only one of whom is a regime official. The number must be much higher and be widened with each atrocity perpetrated, and reflect the reality of Khartoum’s complicity in genocide. Three senior Sudanese officials in particular must be singled out for sanctions:

Assistant to the President Nafie Ali Nafie; Director of National Intelligence Salah Abdallah Abu Digin (AKA Salah Gosh); and Minster of Defense Abdel Rahim Mohamed Hussein. These three officials maintain a tight grip on Sudan’s labyrinthine security apparatus and continue to drive policy and military operations in Darfur.

• TARGET SUDANESE COMPANIES MULTILATERALLY: Impose UN Security Council sanctions against the Sudanese companies already targeted unilaterally by the U.S., and establish a UN Panel of Experts to further investigate which companies are conducting the business necessary to underwrite Sudan’s war machine. If, ultimately the U.S. imposes unilateral sanctions on 29 more companies, this would bring the total number of companies the U.S. has unilaterally sanctioned to 159. Unless these sanctions are multilateral they will largely be meaningless, so the U.S. should lead efforts in the UN Security Council to sanction multilaterally the full panoply of 159 companies.

• PRESS INTERNATIONAL BANKS TO STOP DOING BUSINESS WITH SUDAN: As is the case with Iran, U.S. officials should engage with a number of international banking institutions to strongly encourage them to stop supporting oil transactions with Sudan, with the implication being that if such business continues then all transactions by those banks with U.S. commercial entities (and those of other countries willing to work with us) would eventually be banned. All efforts should be made to shield the Government of Southern Sudan from negative impacts from such an initiative.

This wouldn’t necessarily stop Sudan’s international exchange needs, as money would just be moved through other banking systems over which the U.S. has no access or jurisdiction, but would drive it underground and put another scarlet letter next to Sudan, furthering its isolation
and pariah status.

• REINFORCE DIVESTMENT EFFORTS: President Bush should sign an Executive Order putting into law all of the legally possible elements of existing Congressional bills in support of divestment:

the Darfur Accountability and Divestment Act of 2007 (HR 180) and the Sudan Divestment Authorization Act of 2007 (S.831). The executive branch should be supportive of efforts all over the U.S. to pressure university endowments, state and municipal pension funds, and private mutual funds to sell equity holdings in a targeted list of companies doing business with the Sudanese regime.

The Sudan Divestment Taskforce (www.sudandivestment.org) maintains an updated list of these so-called “worst offender” companies.

• SUPPORT THE ICC INDICTMENT PROCESS: Provide information and declassified intelligence to the International Criminal Court to help accelerate the process of building indictments against senior officials in the regime for their role in orchestrating mass atrocities in Darfur. The U.S. has the most such intelligence and should come to agreement with the ICC about what information to share.

A PLAN B WITH TEETH

Military Components

While the financial and legal aspects of Plan B can be implemented immediately, preparation is also required for the military elements of a Plan B with teeth. If prompt financial and legal measures succeed in altering the calculations of the regime in Khartoum, then there will be no need for these military measures. But as history makes clear, the credible threat of military action will alter the calculations of Khartoum officials. As well, and in the event the regime continues to defy its obligations to its own citizens and the will of the international community, these military actions could help to protect the people of Darfur.

Two coercive military measures require accelerated planning processes, which should commence within the NATO framework, but also seek UN Security Council approval. The aim of these military planning efforts would be to maximize the protection of Darfurian civilians and humanitarian operations if the situation continues to deteriorate.

• No Fly Zone: Absent an enhanced ground component this option is questionable and fraught with potential negative side effects. However, it is important to press ahead with planning an enforcement mechanism for a no-fly zone (NFZ) as the Sudanese regime continues to use aerial bombing as a central component of its military strategy and its civilian displacement objectives. If the mandate of the existing AU force or the planned UN/AU hybrid force would be strengthened and more troops deployed to protect civilians, neutralizing the Sudanese regime’s one tactical advantage will be essential. However, the risk to humanitarian operations posed by an NFZ must be acknowledged and mitigated. It would be irresponsible to move forward with an NFZ in the absence of preparations to deploy ground forces to protect IDP camps and humanitarian operations. Khartoum will perceive an NFZ as an act of war, so planning for a No Fly Zone must also include contingency planning based on possible responses from the Sudanese regime. The consequences could be dire. Posturing
without planning could blow up in the faces of the IDPs, refugees, and humanitarian workers bravely assisting them.

• Non-Consensual Force Deployment: Although few nations are likely to support this and volunteer forces in the present context, if the situation dramatically deteriorates in Darfur (large-scale pullout of humanitarian agencies, increasing attacks on camps or AU forces, etc.), the debate could shift quickly and credible plans need to be in place to move troops into the theater of war quickly with a primary focus on protecting vulnerable civilian populations.

This planning is both a practical necessity, and a means to build and utilize leverage against the regime.

It would be irresponsible to only pursue the implementation of a no-fly zone in the absence of any preparation for use of ground forces to protect displaced camps and humanitarian aid efforts that could be targeted as a result.

CONCLUSION

The U.S. must move away from its current policy of constructive engagement without leverage to a more muscular policy focused on walking softly and carrying—and using—a bigger stick. Unfulfilled threats and appeals should be replaced quickly with punitive measures backing a robust peace and protection initiative. We may not know the names of the victims in Darfur, but we know the names of the orchestrators of the policy that led to their deaths.

There is hope. The growing constituency in the U.S. focused on countering the atrocities in Darfur is expanding by the day. Elected officials who ignore this crescendo of activism—though not usually front page news—do so at their own peril. We will do a great service to all of history’s victims of mass atrocities if we make it politically costly for this administration, or any future one, to stand idly by while Darfur burns.

Your elected officials need to hear from you that the current Plan B proposed by President Bush is inadequate. The United States must work multilaterally
to impose punitive measures—including targeted sanctions and economic pressures—against senior Sudanese National Congress Party officials and the companies they control. By contacting your elected representatives, you will be joining thousands of concerned activists from across the country in “leading their leaders.”
ENOUGH urges activist organizations to issue action alerts urging their members to contact the White House, their Senators, and their members of Congress to press for a Plan B with teeth.

The Genocide Intervention Network operates a toll free number, 1-800-GENOCIDE that will connect you to your elected officials.

Call 1-800-GENOCIDE to contact your Senators and member of Congress and tell them:

• that punitive action against the Government of Sudan will only be effective if it is taken multilaterally;

• to urge President Bush to impose targeted UN Security Council sanctions against persons responsible for crimes against humanity in Darfur and Sudanese companies already sanctioned unilaterally by the U.S.;

• to urge President Bush to engage with a number of international banking institutions to strongly encourage them to stop supporting oil transactions
with Sudan;

• to urge President Bush to sign an Executive Order in support of divestment;

• to urge President Bush to provide information and declassified intelligence to the International Criminal Court; and

• to urge President Bush to put credible plans in place for a no-fly zone and non-consensual force deployment to protect civilians if the situation dramatically deteriorates in Darfur.

Call 1-800-GENOCIDE to contact the White House and tell President Bush:

• that Plan B will only be effective if the U.S. works multilaterally to take punitive actions against the Government of Sudan;

• to impose targeted UN Security Council sanctions against persons responsible for crimes against humanity in Darfur and Sudanese companies already
sanctioned unilaterally by the U.S.;

• to engage with a number of international banking
institutions to strongly encourage them to stop supporting oil transactions with Sudan;

• to sign an Executive Order in support of divestment;

• to provide information and declassified intelligence to the International Criminal Court; and

• to put credible plans in place for a No-Fly Zone and non-consensual force deployment to protect civilians if the situation dramatically deteriorates in Darfur.

John Prendergast is on leave from his International Crisis Group work to help build ENOUGH, which he co-chairs. His bestselling book, Not on Our Watch: The Mission to End Genocide in Darfur and Beyond (www.notonourwatchbook.org), co-authored with actor/activist Don Cheadle, is available at book stores nationwide.

Colin Thomas-Jensen is taking leave from Crisis Group work to serve as Policy Adviser to ENOUGH.

WHAT YOU CAN DO—Lead Your Leaders

The mission of ENOUGH, a joint initiative of the International Crisis Group and the Center for American Progress, is to end crimes against humanity in Darfur, northern Uganda and eastern Congo, and to prevent future mass atrocities wherever they may occur. Each month, Crisis Group’s experts on the ground assess the dynamics in northern Uganda, and eastern Congo and provide ENOUGH with comprehensive field analyses of these crises. then outlines the challenges and obstacles to policy change and offers focused policy recommendations to end these mass atrocities. The monthly updates also support an activist agenda for how concerned citizens can affect policy change. ENOUGH employs a “3P” strategy focused on promoting durable peace efforts; providing protection for the innocent victims of mass atrocities and genocide; and punishing the perpetrators to break the cycle of impunity and will utilize field analysis and policy advocacy to empower a growing activist movement for change. Working with a broad range of activists and experts with extensive experience in the field and with government, multilateral, and non-governmental organizations, ENOUGH will also issue a series of policy proposals focused on what the international community, and particularly the United States, can do now to prevent mass atrocities and genocide in the future.

ENOUGH!
1333 H Street, NW, 10th Floor
Washington, DC 20005
Phone: 202-682-1611 Fax: 202-682-1867
www.enoughproject.org

Find A Local Ethiopian Adoption Group

Not to dis the internet, but my recent little crisis has reminded me how important face-to-face relationships and discussions are - both for families in the process a for the kids, themselves. For all the worry I've had over children feeling comfortable being an Ethiopian adoptee in America, it seems that these meetings, where the look, feelings and experiences of fellow adoptees can be discussed in a natural, unguarded way feels like the best first step in engendering open dialog and positive self-esteem.

I posted before about the inspiring story of Nancy Meyer & her group in Chicago.

Lately, on the Yahoo! boards, some folks have been wondering how to start/join a group in their area.

That's why I'm grateful to Brian (dad of 3), fellow "SoCal Potlucker", mix-master supreme behind the awesome blog ON THE FLY and man of science for compiling pan-American information about local adoption groups (and letting me re-post it):

We went to a potluck with families from our Southern California Ethiopian adoption group last weekend. Being the family that lives the farthest south, we often end up traveling the furthest to the event, but every time we attend one, I'm reminded how important it is to go. It's good for the parents to be able to talk to other families and it's good for the potential parents waiting for a referral so they can ask questions of people who've "been there; done that." Our kids are often the oldest ones there and they're not quite at the point of talking with their peers about adoption issues, but they're building friendships that will be helpful for those issues in the future. And of course its nice to (re)connect with people who's blogs you read on the internet (Blaine, Julie, and Kevin, was there anyone else that didn't out themselves to me?)

So where do you find a local group? Here's a good start:

Connecticut
Rhode Island
Boston
Midatlantic: MD, VA, WVA, D.C., PA, NJ, and DE areaNew York City
loosely-defined northeastern states (New England, NY, NJ, PA etc.)
Illinois
Arizona
Northern California (SF bay area
Southern California

If none of these are near where you live, you can check the Frappr map and see if anyone lives near you (add yourself while you're there) or post a message on the big group asking if others live near you. That's how our group formed with 5 or 6 families.

If I missed any groups, please add them in the comments. If you've got a blog about Ethiopian adoption, feel free to link to and/or post this list to your blog.

Thank's, Brian!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program

My wife and I are grateful beyond words for the generosity of everyone who posted. Some of you we know, some we know only online, some we don't know at all. Everyone has really helped put us securely back on the path of adoption.

Here's the ingredients of the breakdown:

My parents came to town and gave a very rosey portrait of their relationship with my sister (she was adopted at 13 mos. in a closed adoption in the mid-70's). This is VERY unusual, as there has been discord between my mother and my sister since she was a preteen, which deepened into real open hostility when she was 15 through 27. She moved closer to my folks because she needed financial help, and there's been a restoration of some sort of relationship. Still, they both play massive head games and every conversation I have turns into a "he-said, she-said". So when I heard everything was good, I was hopeful. I have not spoken to my sister at length about our decision to adopt. She happened to call during this visit and I talked to her, only to learn that she has formed a very close relationship with her birth mother and views my parents as not her parents (detailed in last post), good only for financial support. While I am very happy that she's reunited with her birth mother, I am uncomfortable with the way that she is lying to/using/manipulating my parents. I am not absolving my parents, as they did everything wrong, in terms of attempting to make her a "natural" daughter by denying her her history. Add to that the fact that much of the information they DID claim to "know" about her past is being disputed by the birth mother. I personally think EVERYONE involved is lying and trying to make themselves look good. Still, it's been pretty heartbreaking to be in the middle of what should be a happy and hopeful journey towards adoption and yet be in the middle of this ready-for-Jerry Springer drama, in which you are informed that your family was not "real" and was "abusive", and that the birth family is "real".

Only in that moment did I begin to understand what it must be like (on all sides) for an international adoptee to feel that he or she would rather have grown up an orphan in his or her native country than be adopted.

At the same time, my wife's mother, who is, frankly, a really amazing person, had a breakdown in her support. She's afraid of us traveling (we entered into the adoption with the intention of escorting, but have become convinced of the necessity of traveling). This spun out into an expression of many, many doubts and fears -- some legitimate, but many the kind of uneducated fears fostered by the mainstream media's shallow and sensationalistic coverage of adoption in general and international adoption in particular. It's important that I make it clear that none of this was based on race, but rather issues about bonding, corruption, mental illness and health history and the ethics of adoption agencies.

My wife is incredibly close to her mom and, even though my wife could argue against most of her mother's fears, the emotional toll of worrying her was very great. It eroded her confidence in the decision. More importantly, I think it made her feel that by pressing forward, she would be betraying her mom on some level. Add to that the fact that we have very little-to-no family or family support. She's the only person we have locally, and knowing that she's not supportive weighs on us.

The two events tapped into all of the reading we've done about first world "baby buying" and adult adoptee resentment, creating a perfect storm of doubt. We almost emailed our agency and told them that we were done.

So, that's the backstory. Now, thanks to your kindness, we've rediscovered our initial enthusiasm.

Here's what helped:

Brian (dad to 3) said...
Then again, many parent/child relationships are strained and many times it's the parents' fault, so I figure I have quite a bit of control over them not hating me and it's far from "nothing more than a gamble".

A woman from our agency, who's also the mother of many adoptees, some who've reached adulthood, and a few who are Ethiopian, said much the same thing -- that the method of parenting adoptive children has evolved tremendously in the last 30 years. Either through their own selfishness or through the legitimate fact that adoption was treated differently at the time, my parents basically made all the "wrong" choices in parenting my sister... and got a predictable result. You, this adoptive mother and others have pointed out that, while no guarantee, more enlightened, less selfish, more honest parenting can help make adoption seem more normal.

Jon said...

You may have already stumbled upon this, but here's a great blog written by an adoptive mom of two korean born children.

www.thirdmom.blogspot.com


I do read her often. Thank you for pointing out her most recent posts.


-Samantha- said...

Wow, what happened my friend? To tell you the truth, it seems to me that you think way too much. You are overanalizing everything... For all you know, your adopted child will become the one you are most compatible with...who knows.

Certainly, it has not been blood that has fostered my best relationships. To be honest, I am somewhat envious of many of the people in the ET adoption community who blog about their close relationships with family. I have an incredibly perfunctory relationship with my blood relatives. There's every possibility that the same deep connection I have with my best friends could also be forged between me and my daughter -- let's hope so!

Anonymous said...

I have felt very similar to what you wrote about, I have been on the other side of being the adopted child and "hating" my adoptive father at the time, now we have a really good relationship, and he is dear to me.
-Emmelia
www.corban7@wordpress.com

I know that becoming an individual is the point of childhood, and a natural part of that is a pulling away from the parents. I fully expect all my kids to go through a period where they pull away and reject. I think what freaks me out about my sister is that she's in her early thirties and has 3 kids of her own. It's nice to hear that not all rifts are permanent.


Anonymous said...

I've noticed that many of the adult adoptees (domestic) are in closed situations, or come from really abusive families. I feel more readily able to dismiss those situations as being too out of the norm to be relevant background for my situation. However, I think we have a lot to learn from the stories if we can sift through the anger (get ready for a wild ride). We have as much to learn from international adoptess who are coming of age.

So, the bigger question for me is: what can we learn and do differenly based on their experiences. I've got a long way to go on my learning curve, but so far I've decided:

1) I need to do more work integrating culture into my children's lives...more openness and communication will be necessary. It's going to be WORK, lots of work for me. I may have to move to a different neighborhood, go to a different church, find new physicians, and definitely surround my family with people "like" my kids.

2) Adoption reform, especially for domestic adoption, is needed.

3) Socioeconomic reform is desperately needed on a global scale. Read "The End of Povery" if you disagree. Such reform could result in a huge reduction in the availability of children for international adoption. Sucks for me personally, but I would get up on a table and shout 'hallelujah' if I knew that fewer people in the world were dying from lack of access to clean water or basic medication, that more families could afford to raise their children.


All of the above, I feel, is dead on. As most readers know, I've recommended THE END OF POVERTY highly a few times. It was a transformative book for me, paving the way to choosing Ethiopia over other programs -- long before we seriously considered adoption.

I try to incorporate economic justice into this blog as much as possible without having it overwhelm the focus on adoption, itself.

Anonymous continues, saying:

One of the biggest "catch 22" issues for me is that many Ethiopian children are not "orphans" by my standards: they have families, often families they know, who could and would want to raise them if those families had the cash OR in some circumstances if AIDS (b/c of death of one or both parents) wasn't such a social stigma. How do I reconcile that my children have living relatives who love them, but because of a long history of social, economic and political development, CAN'T raise them. So, then I fly halfway around the world to take them out of the only life they know and raise them as my own? And I know this is true because I get the chance to meet these relatives before I leave the country and give them a nifty map of where we'll be (as if they'll ever get to visit) and a generic photo of our "family"?


This weighs on me as well. I think I entered the process thinking of "orphans", and coming to understand that most are relinquished. In my posts about birthmothers, I've discussed how this has thrown me for a loop.

I read once that for some adoptees, the trauma of adoption is distinct from the event of getting a new family. In other words, adoption does not cause relinquishment. The relinquishment and trauma would occur anyway.

It's important, I think, to run a check on the idea that you are "saving" anyone. I feel that having selfish motives -- WANTING a daughter, ENJOYING Ethiopian culture, in my case, actually HELPS motivate me to do the RIGHT THING by my daughter and keep her culture and heritage alive.

As for "orphanage vs. family" and the disruption to culture and language...

Umm 'Skandar said...

What is the greater loss, to lose one's country, language, and culture? Or to have no family? It seems that right way to balance anger adult adoptee question is to seek out adults who lived their whole life in an orphanage. What can they add to this conversation?

I agree -- does anyone know if orphans have ever gone on record??

Carrie said...

My friend, I know exactly were you are in your adoption journey right now. The fear that you feel is real and you have real reasons to be afraid. Adoption, like everything in life, comes with no guarantees. You may adopt a child who has very real issues with being adopted or you may adopt a child who has none. Have you read “In Their Own Voices” by Rita Simmons? I found it to be a very realistic look at how transracially adopted children feel about their adoption and being raised in a white family. Many of these children had to deal with issues stemming from their adoption, but most still felt close to their adoptive parents. The people who had the most issues with their adoptive parents seemed to be the ones where there was “other”
issues with the child/parent relationship besides adoption e.g., abuse, neglect, poor communication.

I have not read this book yet, but was aware of it. I'll have to order it.

This post heartened me because the idea that adoption is a complication in an otherwise dysfunctional parent/child relationship applied to my parents and sister's relationship. Many of their parenting choices didn't have great results for either my sister or me -- but with adoption adding an extra wrinkle, her problems with them are more pronounced than mine. Once again, hopefully more selfless parenting can lead to a more healthy, respectful relationship all around.

Cathy and Abebech said similar things...

cathy said...

You wouldn't be a good parent if you didn't wrestle with these questions.

abebech said...

These are great responses. Please do check out thirdmom's blog, and my own post in response.
I am pro-adoption reform, pro-open records, do believe that children are best served by being raised in healthy families of origin, yet I feel very passionately that we did the right thing by our daughter, and will do so again by another child BECAUSE we've considered all these angles, listened to those very important voices, gave it all serious consideration and decided as we did. I also realize that doesn't mean she'll think we did the right thing when she's old enough to decide. But she'll know we did what we believed was the best thing, with our hearts full of love for her. Isn't that what most parents do?

A surprisingly cogent and effective argument. Also used by our African-American social worker, when I pestered her with questions during our home study. I may actually start believing it!

For those not in the know, Abebech is A NEW FLOWER BLOOMS. I have blogged about her awesomeness before.

jen said...
One thing I have considered, along with a lot of what has already been said here is that our children will grow up in a very different world than the adopted children coming of age. There are gazillions of books for us parents to read, there are studies that show what worked and what didn't, there are many more adoption communities and support groups, there are even more inter-racial relationships (marriages, adoptions, etc.) than twenty years ago. That's not to say that we have come so far that we don't need to work HARD, but it is to say that our children will have a different background than the children who are adult adoptees now.


Julie said...

I think the anger many adult adoptees have is a result of a line of thinking their parents' generation had toward international adoption (and adoption in general). Adoptive parents did not try (for the most part) to include their children's culture and did not address the issue of race. Some adoptees were even made to feel grateful for being "rescued" by their parents. Of course these are all generalizations, but awareness of the importance of one's birth culture and race are things that we as adoptive parents are only now starting to deal with in a healthy and constructive way. My thought (and hope) is the newest generation of adoptees will not be as angry as some of the current adult adoptees.

My wife and I attended a gathering of other adoptive families this past weekend. It was really amazing. It felt so natural, and the families were all really wonderful. I think these resources and the increasing awareness of adoption will help kids feel more "normal".

I must also say that part of my wife and my reason for continuing is all of you. We've met some of the most engaged, open, honest, decent people within this adoption community. People who are engaged in the world, people who are fighting for economic justice and racial equality. People who's relationship with God is about love and community, not division or oppression. People willing to admit to fears, mistakes and insecurities.

It may sound strange, but we figure such people can't be involved in something wrong, or something damaging to kids.

So, we're soldiering on, waiting for our referral. I'll continue to blog about race and culture and adoption, in hopes that such an education can making me a better parent -- and that by being such a parent, I really can tip the scales of fate in my (and my adopted child's) favor.

Mother's Day Gifts That Help UNICEF

Send Hallmark UNICEF bouquets this Mother's Day and Hallmark will donate 5% of the purchase price to help UNICEF immunize children against life threatening diseases. Choose from the "Everyday Miracles" bouquet featuring roses and sunflowers or the "Beautiful Spirit" bouquet featuring light and dark lavender roses.

Pier 1 Imports is offering a gift idea with a rhythmic twist. Gratitude, Life & Love is a compilation CD of inspirational songs paying tribute to the special bond between mother and child. 25% of the purchase price (less tax) will go toward UNICEF's efforts to build a better world for women and children. Available in Pier 1 & Pier 1 Kids stores and pier1.com.

Honor her with a distinctive gift to celebrate Mother's Day. For a contribution of $25 or more in honor of the recipient, you can send a message of love and appreciation and help UNICEF create a world fit for children! Visit unicefusa.org/tribute to learn more.

Confused, Need Help

HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!

For people who have OLDER ADOPTED KIDS and for ADULT ADOPTEES... I'm having real problems coming to grips with the idea of adoption -- how does an adopted person integrate her adopted family with her birth family. Does an adopted person ever get over that dissonance of coming from somewhere else -- and in this case another culture (which the child will, on some level, lose) and another race (which the child, on some level, will feel alienated from)and a birth mother a half-a-globe away, more imagined to her than real.

I've gotten so far into the experience of adult adoptees who feel "completed" by their birthfamily (some who are still on good terms with the adopted family, most who are not), that I'm beginning to feel that adoption is nothing more than a gamble.

I have a tremendous capacity to love an adopted child as my own. I have energy to do my best to compensate for not being raised Ethiopian, or even in an African-American family. I have energy to try to help, in my small way, to make Ethiopia better.

What I do not have the capacity for is to have the relationship with an adult child that I see many adult adoptees and their families having. I am so freaked about it that I feel it may be better not to "risk" the "experiment" of adoption at all.

I'm starting to side with the anti-adoption crowd. Their arguements are really starting to make sense. I'm even questioning the desire to have a third child by any means -- my wife and my unwillingness to play genetic roulette by getting pregnant over 35 was a major factor in chosing adoption in the first place.

Am I chicken? Am I having cold feet? Do I have a statistically skewed view of adoption? Or am I just being honest that I don't want to risk endangering my marriage and my bio kids' lives for a potentially bad outcome?

Obama Brings Out the Racists

This is not a political endorsement, but I REALLLLLLY want Obama to get the Democratic nomination, because then we will see, very clearly, EXACTLY how far we've come since the '50's. And I bet it isn't that far.

Racism is less tolerable in polite society, but with the internet there to mask identities, people are free to post their REAL opinions on CBS' comments.

Obama is also requesting Secret Service protection earlier than any other candidate ever. Hmmmm, what's different about him, compared with the nearly 20 other Republican and Democratic nominees?

Get ready to be proud of America, folks:

May 4, 2007

CBSNews.com Turns Off Comments on Obama Stories
Posted by Brian Montopoli

(AP Photo)
Today CBSNews.com informed its staff via email that they should no longer enable comments on stories about presidential candidate Barack Obama. The reason for the new policy, according to the email, is that stories about Obama have been attracting too many racist comments.

"It's very simple," Mike Sims, director of News and Operations for CBSNews.com, told me. "We have our Rules of Engagement. They prohibit personal attacks, especially racist attacks. Stories about Obama have been problematic, and we won't tolerate it."

CBSNews.com does sometimes delete comments on an individual basis, but Sims said that was not sufficient in the case of Obama stories due to "the volume and the persistence" of the objectionable comments.

There has been a fierce debate about how news outlets should handle reader comments. Washingtonpost.com's Jim Brady, whose site, like CBSNews.com, does not have the resources to filter comments in advance, told Howard Kurtz that he'd "rather figure out a way to do it better than not to do it at all."

But Post reporter Darryl Fears told Kurtz that comments should be eliminated if they can't be pre-screened for offensiveness.

"If you're an African American and you read about someone being called a porch monkey, that overrides any positive thing that you would read in the comments," he said.

CBSNews.com has no plans to disable comments on stories about the other presidential candidates, according to Sims. As for comments on Obama stories, he said the site is open to eventually bringing them back.

"We'd like to be able to return to them, and I'm not ruling that out," said Sims. "But at this point it's not possible."

Thanks to Skeptical Brotha for the heads up.

ONE: Feinstein-Hagel Letter Closes with 55 Signatures

Feinstein-Hagel Letter Closes with 55 Signatures

Thanks from me to any and all who participated.

Make Mother's Day Extra Happy

Use your Mother's Day present to help mothers you've never met! The links below will take you to catalogs which allow you to buy gifts that help others, the purchase of which directly help international aid organizations at work in Africa. All the charities listed in this post have gotten an "A" rating from the American Institute of Philanthropy (charitywatch.org), indicating that over 90% of their budget goes to relief work. In addition to supporting charities (or, in the case of ONE, an advocacy campaign), many of these products are FAIR TRADE or the handiwork of impoverished people. By purchasing from most of these sites, you are "giving" two times over: helping individuals directly and supporting a relief organization.

• A Greater Gift


• CARE: Magazine Subscriptions


• CAREWear


• Catholic Relief Services Fair Trade Chocolate Program


• Catholic Relief Services Map of Fair Trade Coffee Roasters


• Co-op America's National Green Pages


• Doctors of the World Gift Catalog


• Equal Exchange, for the benefit of Lutheran World Relief


• Global Exchange


• Medical Teams International Online Store


• Northwest Medical Teams International E-Cards


• Oxfam America Unwrapped


• Save the Children Gift Shop


• Ten Thousand Villages Gift Shop/Mennonite Central Committee


• The Child Health Site Store - $1 SHIPPING


• The ONE Campaign Store


• UNICEF Cards and E-Cards


• World Neighbors Coffee & WOW! Store

If you have a mom (or wife) who says "It's the thought that counts" and MEANS IT, try one of the choices below. These links also take you to places to buy gifts online which support "A"-rated relief organizations. In the cases below, however, the "gift" is really a personalized donation, which allows you to give the intended recipient of your gift a card stating that you bought school supplies for a classroom, or food rations or courses of AIDS drugs in the name of the recipient. Unlike raw donations, the amounts correlate to a specific usage, making the gift more "tangible" and meaningful.

• Church World Service Gift Catalog


• American Friends Service Committee - Gifts with Heart & Hope


• World Concern Global Gift Guide


• Mercy Corp. - Mercy Kits

Happy Mother's Day!

Blogroll Update

Welcome the new members of the Swerl family!

• Adoption Sponsorship


• At Home with Nick, Holly & Maren!


• Do Justly, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly


• Doubly Blessed (domestic)


• Ethiopia to Fargo - Our Adoption Journey


• Ethiopiana


• Half a World Away


• Introducing the Heitritters!


• Katie & Ryan's Adoption Adventure


• Love from Ethiopia


• My Adoption Story


• Our Adoption Story - Blessed


• Our Adoption Journey - Kirk Family


• Our Ethiopian Adoption Journey (nemo-nema)


• Our Life's Journey!!


• Our Journey to Ethiopia


• Our Road to Ethiopia...


• The Babbling of Brooke


• The Bly Family Blog


• The Joys of Asha (domestic)


• The Zitek Family - Megan & Dave


• Waiting for Baby Burton

Get a Free Professional Portrait!

I learned of this from "Tamra" on a Yahoo! board.

There is a group of affiliated photographers, called CELEBRATING ADOPTION. They offer a COMPLIMENTARY SITTING FEE for a professionally-shot portrait of your adoptive family IF YOU'VE ADOPTED IN THE LAST YEAR.

Use their website to find a photographer in your area!

Uganda

Swerl reader, Sonora has TWO globe-trotting photographer brothers, both active in Africa.

Her brother IRA LIPPKE's page has tremendous pictures of UGANDA. Because it's all flash navigation, I can't link you to it. Get past the splash page, then CLICK ON HIS NAME (on the left) and chose "Uganda".

Her other brother, SAMUEL LIPPKE's personal blog,"When does this boat dock?" has fantastic pictures and information about rallies to end the war in Uganda.

His PORTFOLIO also boasts amazing pictures of Uganda, mixed in with others. Click "Menu" and choose "World".

Thanks, Sonora, for sharing!

Africa News Round-Up

Progress on Punishing Those Responsible for the Genocide in Darfur:

(AP)The International Criminal Court has issued arrest warrants for the Sudanese government’s humanitarian affairs minister and a janjaweed militia leader suspected of committing war crimes in Darfur, the court said Wednesday.

Ethiopia and Press Freedom:

(AP)Ethiopia tops a list of 10 countries — including three in sub-Saharan Africa — where press freedom has deteriorated over the past five years, a New York-based media advocacy group said Wednesday.

Three countries on the list — Ethiopia, Gambia and Congo — show that "democracy's foothold in Africa is shallow when it comes to press freedom. These three African nations, as diverse as they are, have won praise at times for their transition to democracy — but they are actually moving in reverse on press issues. Journalists in Ethiopia, Gambia, and DRC (Congo) are being jailed, attacked, and censored, a picture far worse than what we saw only a few years ago."

Ethiopia's Internet Repression

(Reuters) An Internet watchdog on Tuesday accused Ethiopia of blocking scores of anti-government Web sites and millions of Weblogs in one of sub-Saharan Africa's biggest cases of cyber-censorship.

SIGN THIS PETITION TO HELP FORCE AMERICAN COMPANIES TO STAND UP TO REPRESSIVE REGIMES. Google and other American companies allow Ethiopia and China to "block" blogs and webpages, in order to profit in these countries. If we are in the business of spreading democracy (and if Ethiopia is really our ally in the war against the anti-democratic terrorist ideology), we should encourage American companies to show, by example, how integral the "Fourth Estate" is to the democratic system.

Starbucks, Ethiopia, Strike Deal

Starbucks and the Ethiopian government agreed in principle on a licensing, distribution and marketing deal that recognizes the importance and integrity of the nation's specialty coffee names, they said in [a joint] statement.

The parties expect to formalize the details of the agreement and sign it this month.

"Ethiopia is firmly committed to work in partnership with all international specialty coffee companies and distributors of its fine coffees, including Harar, Sidamo and Yirgacheffe," said Getachew Mengistie, director general of the Ethiopian Intellectual Property Office.

Aid agency Oxfam, which launched an campaign in October last year urging Starbucks to talk to Ethiopia directly on the issue, welcomed the move.

"This initiative will help create real change for the 15 million Ethiopians dependent on the country's coffee sector," Oxfam America President Raymond Offenheiser said.

Poverty is dire in Ethiopia, where a quarter of its 80 million people rely on coffee. The average Ethiopian's yearly income, in purchasing power parity terms, is around $1,000.


Eight Ethiopian Hostages Free

Eight Ethiopians made a tearful return to Addis Ababa on Thursday, two months after being kidnapped at gunpoint with five Europeans in the country's remote northeastern Afar region.