Birthmothers

You know what a broken heart looks like? Like a sobbing teenager in a hospital bed giving a two-day-old infant she knows she can't take care of to a couple she hopes can.

Orphans. The word is thrown around alot in cases of International Adoption. On those long walks in the summer with my family when all this first came up, I was comfortable with orphans. Who couldn't appreciate giving an orphan a home?

Then, while on the boards, people kept making references to "traveling south", once in Ethiopia, to meet the "family" - overtaxed aunts and uncles?

No, the poster made clear that she was in contact with the birthmother. Initially, I rebelled (in my mind) -- "Wait! Whoa, hold the phone, nobody said anything about birthmothers!"

Since that moment, I have worked on educating myself about open adoption, trying to visualize explaining it to a child, weaving it into our lives.

Much of my fear comes from the fallout from my sister's closed adoption, her birthmother's return and then her birthmother abandoning the relationship. In our case, the birthmother was a destabilizing influence, to say the least.

That's why Dan Savage's essay, LIVING WITH A VERY OPEN ADOPTION really spoke to me.

It provoked me to visualize a moment I intellectually comprehend happens, but on which I dared not dwell:

I was thirty-three years old when we adopted DJ, and I thought I knew what a broken heart was, how it felt, what it looked like. I didn't know anything. You know what a broken heart looks like? Like a sobbing teenager in a hospital bed giving a two-day-old infant she knows she can't take care of to a couple she hopes can.

I won't be there for that part. We will get a referral picture. Maybe, if she shows up, we will meet the mother months later. That doesn't mean that a moment such as the one described above didn't happen. It's just uncomfortable (or, maybe, emotionally crippling) to think about.

Dan continues:

Ask a couple hoping to tadopt what they want most in the world and they'll tell you there's only one thing on earth they want: a baby, a healthy baby. But many couples want something more: They want their child's biologincal parents to disappear. THey want their child's viological mothe rand father to be forever absent so there will never be any question about who their child's "real" parents are.

In my darker, less proud moments, I admit to this. I was shocked that Dan Savage put it in an essay in an actual book. (He goes on to explain that he never felt this way and wanted an open adoption).

Then, in other moments, I would find myself agreeing with the anti-adoption folks, that maybe the whole idea of adoption is wrong on the face of it -- cruel and confusing to the kid, robbing them of a sense of culture and history and family. Better to stay in Ethiopia.

I guess, at some point, I grew up. After long talks, my wife and I started discussing about ways to keep the birthmother "in the family". My wife would talk about feeling a connection "as a mother" to this woman -- knowing what it feels like to be pregnant and experience birth...

Um, no, I didn't get it. Intellectually, I was all about discussing it, but emotionally -- nada. My "heart" wasn't guiding me. My heart was shrunk back in my chest cavity hiding from the whole thing.

Then, I wrote that review for Bob Shacochis' essay, KEEPING IT ALL IN THE FAMILY. As I recall, my review reflected my initial feeling: "basically useless to me".

Well, yesterday, I found myself ruminating on it, for no particular reason, when, suddenly, my heart spoke up: "What if, for whatever reason, you were tapped to take care of your niece, like Bob was? How would that be? More importantly, how would you treat your sister in such an instance?"

Suddenly, it came to me, a gloss on the "Golden Rule" that made sense to me intellectually AND emotionally: The birthmother will become family. TREAT HER THE WAY YOU'D TREAT YOUR SISTER. TREAT YOUR ADOPTED CHILD THE WAY YOU WOULD TREAT YOUR NIECE, IF YOU HAD LEGAL CUSTODY. Instantly, everything became clear. I would never not "parent" her. I'd be the parental role model. I'd teach right from wrong, exert my "parental authority", or whatever, but I'd never try to create a fantasy that my sister didn't exist. I wouldn't fail to acknowledge her role in my neice's life, or try to quell the unique bond they would share. I would never try to deny her importance to my child's identity in a misguided attempt to make her feel "normal", "the same as the bio kids", "part of the family" or "ours". She WILL be "ours"... and she won't be. She will also be the daughter of a man and woman in Ethiopia... and that makes THEM part of our family, too -- to be treated with the same respect and decency as a sister or brother.

Life Stories: Special Guest, Jenna Hatfield

I invited Jenna Hatfield, of adoption.com's Birth/First Parent Blog and her involving personal blog, Family Living; Hatfield Style, to give a first-mom perspective on all of the questions I asked in "A Love Like No Other: Life Stories". She graciously took the time to help enlighten us. I'd like to thank her for adding to the discussion.

Take it away, Jenna...

Is it presumptuous to search for your child?

I don't know if you're referring to the adoptive family searching for the child's first family or the first family searching for the child. Either way, each family is unique and has to understand the consequences of those actions and accept any fall-out.

What part of your child's story is okay to share with family, friends or the general public, and what part should be reserved for them?

Very personal information, such as how the child was conceived, should be reserved for only those who "need" to know. Others are on a case by case basis.

How much information about or interaction with the first family is crucial to fostering a positive self-image?

This will vary. Some families find it extremely crucial. Others think that the first family is useless. A happy medium can create a well-rounded child.

What is the research on this issue?

The Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute just did a report on birth parents rights that shows that most parents who voluntarily place their children for adoption are positive role models. Another report by another agency was just released showing that most adolescent adoptees want more interaction with their birth families.

How do adoptees cope with the "what could've been?" questions about their first family?

Hopefully they have a supportive adoptive family and a supportive birth family that can help them field those questions without worry of offending one side or the other.

How adoptive families cope with being the "second" family, as a child's curiosity about their first family increases?

You have to be secure in your role as a parent. It's that simple.

No matter how much you know, how are first families handled in lifebooks?

Again, I've seen it vary. Some families know absolutely nothing and include absolutely nothing. Some know everything and include everything. Some know everything and include what they find pertinent. It's a personal choice but all information should be at least kept for the child to view at a later date.