Pamela Kruger Weighs In

I've had the good fortune of hearing directly from contributor/editor of A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER, PAMELA KRUGER. She opens up about her own adoption and discusses the question "How open should your adoption be?", in response to Jenna Hattfield's contribution:

I stumbled across your blog and was delighted to see your thoughtful discussion of the essays in our book.

As a parent of a bio child too, I really related to your point about Bonnie's essay.
But I have to respond to the comments someone made to your other post about searching for birthparents and openness. I actually did quite a bit of research on this topic (before writing my essay for the book and before deciding whether to open up adoption).

The adoption literature clearly shows that the secrecy and shame of past generations was hurtful and damaging to adoptees; but it's not clear what impact openness--and all its variations--will have on kids. Open adoption is still an experiment, a work in progress.

The major longitudinal study on the subject--following children in open adoptions, and comparing them to a group in closed adoptions--has found that a lot of the fears about open adoption were unwarranted. But so far, it hasn't found that kids in open adoptions are better off emotionally. It seems that there are other factors at play.

As Dan (Savage's) essay shows, having an open adoption presents unique challenges. I've opened an adoption myself, so I'm clearly not opposed. But my feeling is that too often this discussion is filled with "shoulds." Adoptive parents should do this or should not do that.

What I wanted to show with this book--my essay, Dan's, and others--is that the situation is infinitely more complex.

Thanks.

Pam

www.pamelakruger.com

A Love Like No Other: Transformations

Here's the last review post about the book of essays, A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER. These focus on how adoption has transformed the life and world-view of their adopted families.

RELUCTANT NO MORE (NOT THAT I EVER WAS) by Joe Treen is a personal favorite. Ladies, if anyone ever needs to peer into the mind of the "RELUCTANT SPOUSE" (or need help in PRODDING a "reluctant spouse", these few pages are the keys to the Kingdom. Joe hits on all the concerns that quickly jumped into men's minds: anxiety about providing for a family, loss of autonomy, threat to career path -- it's all there. What Joe also explores is the huge, unexpected reservoir of emotion that children pull to the surface. Ultimately, as is usually the case, love easily trumps all nagging doubts.

AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED by Adam Pertman describes how an adoptive father/journalist slowly transforms into an adoption advocate, working at the Evan B. Donaldson's Adoption Institute. I admire Adam's desire to look for the "big picture" and his passion to ensure, to the best of his ability, that his personal choice for his family's expansion is something that his family can view with pride -- by ensuring that EVERY adoptive family feels pride.

ACROSS TWO CULTURES by Emily Prager portrays Emily as a forerunner in ensuring that her adopted child feels connected to her country of origin. Emily puts her daughter, "LuLu" into a private school for Chinese immigrant kids, so she could learn Chinese and about Chinese culture, history, customs, etc. As the only non-Chinese parent, she stuck out like a sore thumb, but in time, her hard work to connect LuLu to her country of origin pays dividends. I really admire Emily's approach. Her dedication is remarkable, and it's amazing to see how poised LuLu is, how accepting she is of her adoption, because of all of Emily's hard work. This one is inspiring.

THE ORPHAN MYTH by Doug Hood reads like Sebastian Junger -- a doctor traveling the world with Healing the Children ends up becoming an adopted father, taking his new daughter along with him as he travels from orphanage to orphanage. The writing is evocative and intense, a great read.

SPECIAL NEEDS by Jenifer Levin tells the touching story of a woman who, as a girl, felt like an outcast. Along with her girlfriend, she adopted two "special needs" boys from Vietnam. She tries to shelter and protect the boys, struggling to make sure they thrive. In the end, however, when a "routine" operation nearly kills her, it is the boys who come to HER emotional rescue.

A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER spans a tremendous number of stories and situations. The writing, largely, draws the reader in, encouraging the reader to live and breath in the essayist's situation. With so many different stories and different personalities of writers in the offing, the book succeeds in provoking thought in potential
adoptive parents.

A Love Like No Other: Variations

Much of my "Are We Guilty?" posts made oblique references to Jacquelyn Mitchard's WHICH ONES ARE YOURS?, in which she fields a question in such an aggressive way, she admits she categorized, by her interviewer as a "Tiger-Lady-Crabby-Oversensitive-Diva". My question in this essay is, "what's the point of that?" Why be so aggressive, that, even if you are RIGHT, you are still written off?

Much of my previous discussion came from questioning this stance. Still, the essay is not without it's merits. She does a marvelous job of heading off any attempts by her kids (bio or adopted) of making an issue of adoption during moments of discord. Her DAT (that would be "Dumb Adoption Talk", in the parlance of her kids) eschews the chestnut, "You're not my real mom!" in favor of, "I don't hate you because I'm an adolescent who's trying to adjust to the fact that he was adopted. I hate you personally." While obviously funny, I think it's a good point. How amazing that they've digested the adoption process so thoroughly that they know not to bring it into arguments -- that the bio kids don't use the adopted kids' "primal wound" to do just that. More amazing, is that the adopted kids have the presence of mind not to use their story as a way to inflict damage on their adopted parents. What can be a quick, devastating way to win an argument (or deflect punishment for a curfew violation) can lead to long-term harm in the relationship, a fact sometimes not considered by the adolescent adopted kid.

THE DAY THAT HALLMARK FORGOT by Jesse Green focuses on the intrigue surrounding Mother's Day in a family with two dads. Managing to be both irreverent and touching, it ends on a note that is applicable to all of us: the benefits of being able to "express unconventional truth in conventional terms".

STANDING OUT AND STANDING UP IN THE CROWD by Marcelle Clements is an ode to her unsinkable, adopted son, Luc. Within her celebration, she goes to lengths to refute the psuedo-science of "Adopted Child Syndrome". "...[C]reated by psychologist David Kirschner and first used as a defense in the 1984 trial of an adolescent adoptee accused of setting fire to his home and murdering his parents... the "adopted child syndrome" has been cited as scientific evidence that adopted adolescents are at high risk of becoming liars, thieves and serial killers..." She mentions that this notion has been soundly refuted and that even Kirschner renounced his theory. Still, it seems that in prime-time news magazine shows and other popular "news" media, the "adopted child syndrome" looms large.

DIVORCE, ADOPTION-STYLE by Antionette Martin is a powerful bit of personal testimony -- what happens to children, adopted out to stable, two-parent homes, when those homes lose stability -- and a parent? I can only imagine it would be a life-line for anyone attempting to ensure familial support for adopted children through a stressful divorce. Antionette and her ex, Ted, seem to do as good a job as anybody, in separating without separating from the kids. I hope never to need it!

KEEPING IT ALL IN THE FAMILY by Bob Shacochis tells the rather sad story of an infertile couple on the verge of adopting, when Bob's sister-in-law reveals that she is dying of breast cancer, leaving in her wake a teen daughter and a dysfunctional ex-husband. Bob and his wife, "C", become guardians to the girl, but find her nearly uncontrollable. Her bio-dad creates numerous problems, preventing them from adopting, but also failing in his role as a father. The essay ends with the nature of the relationship unclear -- Bob is both more than and less than an uncle and certainly not a father, although he treasures the one Father's Day card he did receive, as a token of his best attempt at fatherhood. Frankly, this essay did not provide me with much to take away, except, perhaps, that even in the most troubled adoptive parent/adoptee relationship, there is still a memory, a trace of what could have been, to be cherished.

Unexpected: A Love Like No Other

Part Two of A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER focuses on "Encounters With the Unexpected", containing a variety of essays in which parents were caught off-guard by the reality of adoption.

Melissa Fay Greene's "Post-Adoption Panic" is as surprising as to WHO wrote it as what she wrote. Melissa Fay Greene (as her bio at the end of the book attests) wrote a book "about a foster mother to AIDS orphans in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. That book is practically the Bible of Ethiopian adoption. That book is, in whole or in part, responsible for many people considering Ethiopian adoption. That book is recommended highly on this website. Don't have it? BUY IT. READ IT. There's a handy link, go-go-go, we'll wait.

Good. Everyone owns THERE IS NO ME WITHOUT YOU. Now, buy THIS book (A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER) and read how a mother of 4 "bio" kids struggles to bond with their first adopted child, a boy named Jesse, from Bulgaria. This is prior to their children adopted from Ethiopia. This is the story of a mother who bristles at having this "interloper" in family pictures, who loses her patience easily, who finally makes an appointment with a psychiatrist, because she just can't seem to LOVE this adopted, older, Bulgarian child. It is a question that few parents ask honestly. While there is endless work put into trying to coax adopted children into loving their "a-parents", no one asks -- not out loud -- if they are REALLY capable of loving an adopted child like their own. And for some, it is a hard adjustment. Greene's honest portrayal will help anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation.

Sheila Stainback's "Baby on Board—But Not Everyone Else" will be massively identifiable to many of us. What happens when we think the sun and moon revolves around our kid/s -- but our extended family refuse to welcome him or her/them into the fold? This essay describes the slow thaw that occurs when the "other" becomes "family".

Amy Rackear's "The Second Time Around" revolves around a fertility-challenged couple who adopt successfully, but struggle with the decision of expanding their family through adoption a second time.

Jill Smolowe's "Color Her Becky" recounts a family with a daughter adopted from China (the titular "Becky"), fail to see the importance of discussing race with their daughter, until she has to grapple with a school bully who delight in taunting her with the brilliant put-down, "Cut the cheese, you're Chinese."

Reading this essay was like having a conversation with the person I was a year ago. At that time, at the beginning of our process, I would've said that emphasizing race is unnecessary. Play it as it lays, right? I now feel, after a year of reading books and blogs and forums, asking friends, etc., that it's irresponsible to leave a child unprepared for this kind of unpleasant experience. Judging from much of the tranracially-adopted adult adoptee community on the internet, it is those who grew up identifying as "white" until adulthood that had the biggest trouble when the world failed to see them as they saw themselves. It may be counter-intuitive at first, but the more race is discussed, the less of an "issue" it may be later in the child's life.

Jana Wolff's "The First Thirteen" makes some starling admissions about her thirteen-year-old, transracially-adopted son: the more he excels in that which she does not, the more she realizes he is not "of" her. Likewise, the more he fails at (or fails to care about) things she finds important, the more she grows to understand the truth of adoption -- we are loving another's child like our own. ANOTHER'S child, with a different set of genetics, different predispositions, different medical histories, different issues. She tells of how her son said, in a moment of anger, "Adoption sucks, you end up with the worst parents". She quietly agreed, not for his reasons, but her own... that, "like many adoptive parents, [we] persist in our fantasies about our children -- saping them if not in our image, than in our image of them." And if they don't live up? "Many of our kins turn out to be only average. There's nothign wrong with average, expect that it doesn't give moms and dads the vindication that above-average does."

From this point, questions as to nature vs. nurture are parsed, eventually leading to increased interaction with the child's birthmother.

My own opinion of the piece is that the writer came off as having unrealistic expectations for her son, and that, in any number of ways, her ego was getting the better of her parenting. I think one of the greatest challenges to good adoptive parenting is the almost zen-like discipline it takes to get your own ego out of the way of your child.

Bonnie Miller Rubin's "The Fallout from a Less-than-Perfect Beginning" is the adoption horror story. A "Gerber baby... in a pink crocheted dress", adopted from Chile, develops a profound (but undiagnosed) emotional disorder, consisting of rage-filled meltdowns. The essay explores how desperate, how powerless, this loving adoptive mother feels in the face of "a bunch of neurotransmitters."

Personally, I feel much of this has little to do with adoption, per se, (unless there are studies of which I'm unaware), and everything to do with the decision to add a child to the family. Before we had our second bio-kid, we had months of discussions, that all boiled down to one unanswerable question: "what if it's a BAD one?" You can't answer that question. Ultimately, you go on faith, because there's no crystal ball. Like Rubin, no matter how much you try to hedge by good, informed, enlightened parenting, there may be problems outside your ability to control -- with ANY kid.

My wife and I have the disquieting habit of watching that show, INTERVENTION. It's like a horror movie for parents. What if that was one of our kids, running the streets, cooking up smack in the bottom of 7-11 cans? What if our kid is schizophrenic?

Scary? Yes. But what if you get hit by a bus? So much of life is out of your actual, physical control, that to live your life in avoidance of pain or risk is to live a gray, empty life.

We want the noise and the energy and the challenge that will come with another child. Our child will be a different gender from those we have now, a different color, a different nationality. She will be loved unconditionally, whether she wants to be or not. Her problems will be our problems. Could it all go sideways? Sure. But to think we WANTED to take this step, but let FEAR win the day? I couldn't imagine anything scarier than that.

A Love Like No Other: Life Stories

A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER, STORIES FROM ADOPTIVE PARENTS is a collection of first-person essays, all penned by professional writers who are also adoptive parents, edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe. It is a delicate but powerful blend… different flavors that come together to create a memorable portrait of modern adoption. Admirable in it’s diversity -- adoptive father, mothers, gay couples, lesbian couples, single mothers and divorced couples all weigh in -- and lack of sentimentality, the hardest truths prove to be the most captivating.

The book is divided up into themed chapters. I thought I'd take each theme as a jumping off point for a post.

In the first section, "Reflections on Birth Parents" offers the following essays:

SHE IS AMONG US by Christina Frank is a meditation on a birthmother from Vietnam, who, due to laws and customs, will never be known.

TO SEARCH OR NOT TO SEARCH by Pamela Kruger (one of the book's editors) details her decision and process of finding the first family of her child, adopted from Kazakhstan. The interesting thing about this essay is it ends with Pamela having found out the information, but refuses to tell her reader, insisting, "The rest of the story is for Annie, and only Annie, to know, when she is ready."

LIVING WITH A VERY OPEN ADOPTION by Dan Savage, was a favorite. It details a couple doing everything in their power to encourage an open adoption, but find the inclusion of the "first family", an alcoholic woman who is homeless by choice, increasingly troubling and painful. In an age of open adoptions and a feeling of responsibility to the child's sense of identity, it shows the lengths we may be asked to go to honor those commitments, in clear-eyed fashion. The other thing I love about it is that it is about a gay couple... but isn't about the fact that they are a gay couple.


TWO DAUGHTERS, TWO DESTINIES by Laura Shaine Cunningham portrays a mother of two girls… a daughter from Kazakhstan and a daughter from China facing a difficult crisis in developing "their stories". She laments the inequality between her daughters’ histories. She knows her daughter from Kazakhstan’s first family, while for her daughter from China, all she can offer is a street where she was found. Ironically, neither seem at all interested in their heritage. She is so worried about how they may feel about their cultural identity later in life that she practically forces a trip to their birth countries down their throat (when both are clearly more interested in going to the mall).

These essays, along with a confluence of other events, including posting on message boards and our own family discussion, has lead to a discussion of first families and what role they will play in our life and our child's life.

• Is it presumptuous to search for your child?
  
• What part of your child's story is okay to share with family, friends or the general public, and what part should be reserved for them?
  
• How much information about or interaction with the first family is crucial to fostering a positive self-image?
  
• What is the research on this issue?
  
• How do adoptees cope with the "what could've been?" questions about their first family?
  
• How adoptive families cope with being the "second" family, as a child's curiosity about their first family increases?
  
• No matter how much you know, how are first families handled in lifebooks?
  

I'd be disingenuous to say I know the answers to ANY of these questions.

Who of you out there has asked the same questions and would you care to share your insights?