Here's another massively informative post from the wittily named SELAM WITH CHEESE ON WRY about the dirty little matter of AFFORDING adoption. Not much discussed, perhaps because it adds to the impression of adoption as a branch of America's economic imperialism (not my opinion, obviously). However, outside of one or two people, I don't know any millionaires adopting. Hope this helps inform and inspire, as well as kick-start a dialog about even MORE ideas:

Selam with Cheese on Wry: How to Help

When we started researching ways to pay for this adoption — and all of the nickel-and-dime fees that seem to inflate the cost (our expected costs actually doubled) — we were simultaneously shocked, pleased, and saddened by the fact that we already practiced most money-saving tips offered by others. We were also determined to find creative avenues to creatively pinch pennies. So, with the help of several authors and seasoned adoptive parents, we came up with this list of creative ideas to share with other prospective adoptive parents as well as family and friends who might be inspired to help. It’s by no means comprehensive or complete, so post your comments if you have more suggestions. We’ll keep adding to it as we find new resources. While the focus is on funding, we also offer other suggested ways to help. The journey to adoption is not always (not ever?) a smooth ride and adoptive parents will also need emotional (and spiritual) support from family and friends.Why should you help? That’s something you really need to answer yourself. But if you can, it’s one way to really show your support for the adoptive parents, their choice to adopt, and the adoption itself. Here are some things you can do to help adoptive parents:

PREPARE YOURSELF

Do your best to educate yourself about adoption so that you can support the adoptive parents as they embark on this (often tumultuous) journey. We recommend starting with this book: Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know.

DONATE DOUGH

This is an expensive venture and few adoptive families have the funds to cover all of the costs even after going into some serious debt. While giving a cash donation directly to an adoptive family isn’t a charitable deduction for tax purposes, most immediate family members can gift up to $11,000 per year tax-free. (Note: Some agencies have a charitable fund set up to accept donations from family or friends, so that giving is tax-deductible. Check with your agency to see if they offer this service.) Even small amounts are much appreciated. If you feel compelled to give in this way, the adoptive family would be most grateful.

Click here to contribute $5, $10, or any amount you choose to Dan and Shannon’s adoption.

OFFER A LOW-FEE (OR NO-FEE) LOAN

For most adoptive families, a one-, two-, or even a five-year no-interest loan would rock! While the adoption process and fee schedule is often spread out over time, there’s almost always a “balloon payment” at some point, usually towards the middle of the process, but often before the referral. (For instance, about 3-4 months into the process, we’ll have to come up with about $15,000 in fees. Yikes!) Many adoptive families will qualify for the adoption tax credit (which is applied after all expenses are paid) and that credit can be carried over from year to year for up to five years. There are, however, several restrictions. Check with your tax advisor or the IRS website for details. Adoptive parents, click here to find resources for grants and loans.

PARTICIPATE IN FUNDRAISERS

There are any number of ways to support adoptive families by helping them raise funds. Check out some of these options:

INK JET RECYCLING - Collect used printer ink cartridges from friends, family, and/or local businesses and schools. The program is free for everyone and it’s a great way to be green and help out the adoptive family! Most programs (like ours) provide free collection boxes and pre-paid labels/mailing supplies. We earn a small amount for each cartridge mailed in. The super groovy thing about this program is that even non-earning cartridges get recycled and stay out of the landfill. Please let us know if you’d like any mailers (or if you live nearby, feel free to drop off your empties)…

CELL PHONE RECYCLING - Collect used late modelcellphones from friends, family, and/or local businesses/schools. This is similar to the Ink Jet recycling program with free mailers, etc. Some inkjet recyclers also recycle cell phones and vice versa.

SALES FUNDRAISERS - Adoptive parents might try to raise funds by selling goods. Often these fundraisers are similar to those you might find in schools: popcorn, candy, or small goods. Some adoptive parents may even try to coordinate a fundraiser that also raises awareness (for international adoptions, this often involves free-trade goods that benefit craftspeople or co-ops in other countries). We are currently investigating options to sell fair-trade Ethiopian coffee. Stay tuned!

PATRONIZE THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY’S HOME BUSINESS - Does either adoptive parent have a side-business (e.g., Pampered Chef, Creative Memories, or even the dreaded Amway)? Hey, you’ve got to buy gifts for birthdays and holidays anyhow, so why not kill two birds with one stone and stock up early? Or if either of the adoptive parents have a specialized skill, perhaps you could offer introductions that would help them get side jobs on evenings or weekends. Help out those adoptive parents, especially if you know that the extra income will go to the adoption!

Shannon runs three different businesses and is channeling all profits into the adoption:

1. Consulting - Shannon is a professional consultant and grant writer for non-profits and charges reasonable fees. Pass along her contact information to anyone who may be able to pay for her services.


2. Custom Gifts - Shannon sells her darling (if we do say so ourselves) hand-crafted wares — everything from invitations and cards to scrapbooks and gift ensembles! Click here to visit Shannon’s stamping blog and see examples of her work. Click here to view a sample price list of common items to order.
   


3. Scrapbook and Stamp Supplies - Shannon sells top-of-the-line rubber stamps, scrapbooks, ink, paper and cardstock, and accessories through Stampin’ Up! Place an order for yourself or, better yet, collect orders from friends, family, and co-workers. Orders will ship direct to you. Click here to view the current Stampin’ Up! catalogs (and share with friends), then contact Shannon to place your order. Beginning immediately, all profits (20% of all catalog sales before tax/shipping) will be applied to our adoption fundraising. Or, if you’re interested in retired stamps and scrapbook accessories, visit Shannon’s Sale Table!
   

BUY NEW SHOES! - Seriously, keep on shopping, but with a slight twist. There are several programs that do this, but we’re looking into OneCause (similar to a rewards program, you can click-through shop online at many of your favorite merchants, and those merchants do the donating. Up to 36% of each dollar you spend goes to the National Adoption Foundation, and they’ll split the buckaroos with the adoptive family). But, the process is quite unclear to us at the moment. When we get more information, we’ll update this section. Another option is to sign up with any of the online rebate companies, like ebates — or for a fee-free cash-back credit card, like Discover (if you don’t already have one) — and pass along the rebate check to the adoptive family.

COLLECT ON THE FAMILY’S BEHALF - If you really want to help out an adoptive family, do a fundraiser on their behalf. Either choose to take the lead on one of their established fundraisers or start one on your own: sell candy bars or cookie dough or something you make yourself, ask local merchants to contribute items that you can sell for profit, host a car wash, sponsor a golf tournament, rally a local community group or classroom to fundraise on the family’s behalf… You can actually raise some pretty decent money doing this and, believe me, it takes a huge stress off of the adoptive family.

GIVE IN KIND

Another way to help is giving in-kind gifts or your time. This won’t always help with the adoption fees, but it might free up the adoptive parents’ budget or time, which is sometimes even more valuable. Here are a few examples:

THINGS THAT WOULD HELP EARLY IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS

• Books to build a good library. See our wishlists for adoption and Ethiopia.


• Help with non-adoption-related stuff - Though adoptive parents can get tunnel vision about the adoption, many still have other everyday tasks piling up. Some parents might need help with household repairs, yardwork, or other tasks. If you have a specialized skill — or even specialized equipment– that you could donate or loan out, please do!
  


• Babysit - For adoptive families who already have kids, this could be a huge help, especially when stress levels are high and parents just need a break. Keep it gratis or do it in trade.


• Pass along savings - found a great coupon for something (free!) that you probably won’t use? Everything from free food to free entertainment would be appreciated, so pass it along. Most likely, the adoptive parents are already clipping coupons, but every little bit extra helps.


• Pass along your hand-me-downs - the adoptive family has probably given up what most people consider “basics,” not huge indulgences, but the little extras that spice up day-to-day existence: magazines, video subscriptions, new clothes (new anything!), going to the movies, theatre, or museum. Don’t hesitate to offer, especially if you’re ready to toss it out or give it away anyhow.
  


• Be a workout buddy, especially for the adoptive mother. Pregnant moms-to-be naturally adapt to carrying heavy loads over a 9-month period. And they continue to develop their carrying muscles as children grow from teeny tiny newborns to larger kiddos. Adoptive mothers, on the other hand, don’t have mother nature forcing their bodies into shape and often find themselves pulling muscles or seriously injuring their backs shortly after placement (especially when they adopt older, and often heavier, kiddos). You can help by scheduling workout dates with one or both parents (don’t expect them to invite you…despite knowing better, this might land low on their priority lists). Yoga, strength training, or outdoor activities like walking around the block are great. Invite the adoptive parent(s) to join you at the gym, especially if you have guest passes (gym memberships might be one of those budget cutbacks). Or, if fitness is your area of expertise, offer regular “classes” or develop a customized health plan for the adoptive parents.


• Indulgences - adoptive families have most likely given up most of life’s little luxuries. Pamper adoptive parent(s) with little treats like lunch/coffee/dessert or even a day at the spa. Or, send small gift cards (for coffee, snacks, movies). It might save their sanity!


• Send a care package or a thoughtful note - A box (of homemade cookies or low-fat snacks!, or a great movie and some candy, or even basic necessities for everyday living, like toothpaste or paper towels) is always welcome. Or, send a note of encouragement for the stressed-out couple. It’s a nice gesture that might just make their day.



• Schedule a date to get together and get their minds off of the adoption. Try to keep the conversation off kids.


• Pray, if you’re so inclined. It’s not all about the money. Pray for a trouble-free and speedy process, safe travels, and healthy children who can be quickly united with their adoptive parents. If you don’t pray, be positive and encouraging to the (potentially stressed and/or discouraged) waiting parents.


• Ask if there is anything you can do (if you’re willing), then do it.
  

THINGS TO HELP WITH TRAVEL

• Donate miles/points/rewards from your frequent flier or frequent stay programs: free hotel stays, plane tickets, or upgrades. (And don’t think that those upgrades are a luxury! Traveling 18 hours on a plane with two tired and terrified children, not to mention tired and terrified parents who don’t fit well in those coach seats, ain’t gonna be easy.) Chances are that the adoptive family is going to incur a huge travel expense, so this is an area where you can make a big impact on their bottom line. (With airfare at $2,000 roundtrip per person on average, we expect our travel costs to add up to $5,000 - $7,000 or more for the low-budget options.) There are several ways to help with miles:
  
  Redeem your own miles for the reward. This option gets the most “bang for the buck” whether you or the adoptive parents pay for the (minimal) service fees.
  
  
  Transfer your own miles to the recipient’s mileage account(s). There is usually a per-mile cost plus a small transfer fee. At United, you can transfer a minimum of 5,000 miles and a maximum of 15,000 miles to each recipient. The cost is $.01 per mile plus a $35 service fee per transfer. This is a good option if you don’t have enough miles to redeem a reward, or if the adoptive parent are short by a several thousand miles.
  
  Purchase miles for the adoptive parent(s). This is a bit more costly and is really most useful only if the adoptive parent is short by a few thousand miles for a reward ticket. If you’re willing to spend this much, you may want to consider giving cash instead.


• Be a “friend” for refer-a-friend programs.The adoptive parents might belong to various incentive programs, such as frequent flyer, frequent stay, and other rewards programs. Often these programs have referral bonuses of free miles or points when friends sign up. Since most programs don’t cost you anything, both parties (you and the adoptive parents) benefit. You can help us by signing up for any of the following programs and giving our referral information:



Mileageplus Visa. Get up to 21,000 bonus miles for United Airlines, free upgrade certificates, no annual fee for the first year, and 1 mile for every $1 you spend. Heck, it’s kind of silly not to sign up. We get 5,000 miles for each referral who gets a card (up to three people). Call 1-877-273-7138 (Chase credit cards). Tell them that a friend referred you (and give them Shannon’s mileageplus number — call us for that first) and that you’d like to apply for a Signature Visa (Mileageplus) credit card. Shannon’s tip: put every purchase, no matter how small, on your Visa. Keep track and pay off the balance each month.


Bank of America. Open a checking account and earn $25. We earn $25 too. (Actually, if you open a savings too, you can earn more, up to $50 total.) New customers only. We love BofA so much that we still bank there even though there are no branches in our state. Ask us for a referral code to sign up online or in your local branch.


My Points. Earn points for shopping or often for just browsing websites. We earn points when you join. This program also has a downloadable “Points Alert.” Points can be redeemed for a variety of gift cards and goodies. We’ve been doing this for years and have regularly “cashed in” points for gift cards to Target, Walmart, Bloomingdales, Starbucks, Chili’s, and Olive Garden. Ask Shannon to email you a Refer-a-Friend link.

• Collect “points” to help the adoptive parents earn free things. We collect MyCokeRewards points and we’re saving for a digital camcorder. Email us with any unused codes or mail us bottlecaps and/or the carton codes (usually in the pull-off section on fridge packs). And it’s not just “coke” but any Coca-cola brand product (Barq’s, Fanta, Dasani are a few, but click here for a complete list). Points needed: 12,871. Points accrued: 93. Points still needed: 12,778. Every point counts!
  


• Send a care package for the parents, the baby, or the orphanage — or all three! Ask adoptive parents what they need. Chances are they’ll have a long list of over-the-counter medicines and baby/travel necessities that will add up fast. Most adoptive families are also asked to bring donations for the orphanage or care center, but there are often specific needs, so ask first. Contribute as much as you can. Those little guys need everything they can get. And it really is the children who benefit from your generosity.


• Give (or loan) good-quality audio-visual equipment, or offer to be a personal photographer during travel. Parents will want to capture the entire experience for their children’s Life Books, but if they don’t already own this equipment or have a volunteer photographer, most likely they won’t be able to afford it once they’re well into the process (and debt). Another alternative is to hire a professional photographer in-country to accompany the adoptive parents while meeting their child/ren for the first time. This might not be as expensive as you think, but do make sure you’re getting what you expect before you shell out any cash.
  

THINGS TO HELP PREPARE FOR BABY

• Help the adoptive parents find good deals - one indispensable read is Baby Bargains by Denise and Alan Fields. While this book can be checked out from most local libraries, it’s worth the small investment (and the authors even offer a money-back guarantee). Note: make sure you get the most recent edition as it is updated frequently.
  


• Help prepare the nursery - set a date to help with painting, wallpaper, furniture assembly or other decorating side-jobs.


• Host a baby shower for the expectant parents (adoptive parents are expecting and should be treated the same as pregnant parents).
  


• Give a gift from their baby registry.


• Send a book. Kiddos of all ages love stories. Here’s our wishlist for kid’s books!


• Donate your hand-me-downs, especially for first-time parents. Don’t hesitate to ask what they need or offer your gently used stuff. It may be double-trouble for some people (like us), who are hoping for twins or siblings. Note: most safety experts shake a stern finger at certain hand-me-downs like cribs and car seats, even from known entities like friends and family. If adoptive parents — especially nervous first-time parents — politely decline these items, understand that they may diligently following suggested advice and you should take no offense.
  


• Offer to run errands - the “O” factor (overwhelm) can drag anyone down. If you don’t mind pitching in, then there’s a lot you could do: interview potential nannies, pick up something at the store, go to the post office…whatever might help the adoptive family. For a more coordinated approach, schedule a time once a (week/month?) to run errands during specific hours. You’ll probably get a list of to-dos!
  

THINGS THAT WILL HELP AFTER BABY ARRIVES

• A stocked fridge. Make arrangements to stuff the adoptive family’s fridge and cabinets full of healthful goodies while they’re traveling. Or, ship a care package to arrive on their doorstep shortly after they arrive home (if you’re not local, order from an online food/grocery store). Prepared or easy-to-prepare meals are especially welcome. Don’t forget soft solids or formula for the little one(s).
  


• Food on the table. Whether new or seasoned parents, they probably won’t have the time or energy to cook after a long return trip. Make arrangements to have someone deliver a meal each day of the first week or two that they’re home. Gift cards to nearby restaurants (especially those with take-out) will be more than welcome.


• A stocked nursery. While you’re stocking the fridge, make sure that there are sufficient diapers, wipes, and basic medicines in the house. Also be sure that the nursery/kids’ room has clean sheets and a set-up crib/bed. There’s a darned good chance, especially for international adoptive parents, that both baby and parents will come back feeling ill — either from food/water bugs, a cold/flu, or just sheer exhaustion from travel. They will all want to collapse and not having to prep anything before they do will be a Godsend.


• A clean house. Coordinate with other friends and family to tidy the house before they get home. If possible, organize a group to descend on the house (with advance warning) a couple of weeks after parents are home. They’ll think you’re the greatest! Or, even the occasional clean-up would save mom’s sanity.
  


• Other help. Parents traveling back from some international destinations may bring back more than their children. Giardia and other types of food- and water-borne illnesses are typical and can result in loss of sleep and nutrition, and ultimately add extra stress. Though it’s a crucial bonding time for parents and children and visitors are often discouraged, if parents are particularly sick, they may need a helping hand to care for their children.

Find A Local Ethiopian Adoption Group

Not to dis the internet, but my recent little crisis has reminded me how important face-to-face relationships and discussions are - both for families in the process a for the kids, themselves. For all the worry I've had over children feeling comfortable being an Ethiopian adoptee in America, it seems that these meetings, where the look, feelings and experiences of fellow adoptees can be discussed in a natural, unguarded way feels like the best first step in engendering open dialog and positive self-esteem.

I posted before about the inspiring story of Nancy Meyer & her group in Chicago.

Lately, on the Yahoo! boards, some folks have been wondering how to start/join a group in their area.

That's why I'm grateful to Brian (dad of 3), fellow "SoCal Potlucker", mix-master supreme behind the awesome blog ON THE FLY and man of science for compiling pan-American information about local adoption groups (and letting me re-post it):

We went to a potluck with families from our Southern California Ethiopian adoption group last weekend. Being the family that lives the farthest south, we often end up traveling the furthest to the event, but every time we attend one, I'm reminded how important it is to go. It's good for the parents to be able to talk to other families and it's good for the potential parents waiting for a referral so they can ask questions of people who've "been there; done that." Our kids are often the oldest ones there and they're not quite at the point of talking with their peers about adoption issues, but they're building friendships that will be helpful for those issues in the future. And of course its nice to (re)connect with people who's blogs you read on the internet (Blaine, Julie, and Kevin, was there anyone else that didn't out themselves to me?)

So where do you find a local group? Here's a good start:

Connecticut
Rhode Island
Boston
Midatlantic: MD, VA, WVA, D.C., PA, NJ, and DE areaNew York City
loosely-defined northeastern states (New England, NY, NJ, PA etc.)
Illinois
Arizona
Northern California (SF bay area
Southern California

If none of these are near where you live, you can check the Frappr map and see if anyone lives near you (add yourself while you're there) or post a message on the big group asking if others live near you. That's how our group formed with 5 or 6 families.

If I missed any groups, please add them in the comments. If you've got a blog about Ethiopian adoption, feel free to link to and/or post this list to your blog.

Thank's, Brian!

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program

My wife and I are grateful beyond words for the generosity of everyone who posted. Some of you we know, some we know only online, some we don't know at all. Everyone has really helped put us securely back on the path of adoption.

Here's the ingredients of the breakdown:

My parents came to town and gave a very rosey portrait of their relationship with my sister (she was adopted at 13 mos. in a closed adoption in the mid-70's). This is VERY unusual, as there has been discord between my mother and my sister since she was a preteen, which deepened into real open hostility when she was 15 through 27. She moved closer to my folks because she needed financial help, and there's been a restoration of some sort of relationship. Still, they both play massive head games and every conversation I have turns into a "he-said, she-said". So when I heard everything was good, I was hopeful. I have not spoken to my sister at length about our decision to adopt. She happened to call during this visit and I talked to her, only to learn that she has formed a very close relationship with her birth mother and views my parents as not her parents (detailed in last post), good only for financial support. While I am very happy that she's reunited with her birth mother, I am uncomfortable with the way that she is lying to/using/manipulating my parents. I am not absolving my parents, as they did everything wrong, in terms of attempting to make her a "natural" daughter by denying her her history. Add to that the fact that much of the information they DID claim to "know" about her past is being disputed by the birth mother. I personally think EVERYONE involved is lying and trying to make themselves look good. Still, it's been pretty heartbreaking to be in the middle of what should be a happy and hopeful journey towards adoption and yet be in the middle of this ready-for-Jerry Springer drama, in which you are informed that your family was not "real" and was "abusive", and that the birth family is "real".

Only in that moment did I begin to understand what it must be like (on all sides) for an international adoptee to feel that he or she would rather have grown up an orphan in his or her native country than be adopted.

At the same time, my wife's mother, who is, frankly, a really amazing person, had a breakdown in her support. She's afraid of us traveling (we entered into the adoption with the intention of escorting, but have become convinced of the necessity of traveling). This spun out into an expression of many, many doubts and fears -- some legitimate, but many the kind of uneducated fears fostered by the mainstream media's shallow and sensationalistic coverage of adoption in general and international adoption in particular. It's important that I make it clear that none of this was based on race, but rather issues about bonding, corruption, mental illness and health history and the ethics of adoption agencies.

My wife is incredibly close to her mom and, even though my wife could argue against most of her mother's fears, the emotional toll of worrying her was very great. It eroded her confidence in the decision. More importantly, I think it made her feel that by pressing forward, she would be betraying her mom on some level. Add to that the fact that we have very little-to-no family or family support. She's the only person we have locally, and knowing that she's not supportive weighs on us.

The two events tapped into all of the reading we've done about first world "baby buying" and adult adoptee resentment, creating a perfect storm of doubt. We almost emailed our agency and told them that we were done.

So, that's the backstory. Now, thanks to your kindness, we've rediscovered our initial enthusiasm.

Here's what helped:

Brian (dad to 3) said...
Then again, many parent/child relationships are strained and many times it's the parents' fault, so I figure I have quite a bit of control over them not hating me and it's far from "nothing more than a gamble".

A woman from our agency, who's also the mother of many adoptees, some who've reached adulthood, and a few who are Ethiopian, said much the same thing -- that the method of parenting adoptive children has evolved tremendously in the last 30 years. Either through their own selfishness or through the legitimate fact that adoption was treated differently at the time, my parents basically made all the "wrong" choices in parenting my sister... and got a predictable result. You, this adoptive mother and others have pointed out that, while no guarantee, more enlightened, less selfish, more honest parenting can help make adoption seem more normal.

Jon said...

You may have already stumbled upon this, but here's a great blog written by an adoptive mom of two korean born children.

www.thirdmom.blogspot.com


I do read her often. Thank you for pointing out her most recent posts.


-Samantha- said...

Wow, what happened my friend? To tell you the truth, it seems to me that you think way too much. You are overanalizing everything... For all you know, your adopted child will become the one you are most compatible with...who knows.

Certainly, it has not been blood that has fostered my best relationships. To be honest, I am somewhat envious of many of the people in the ET adoption community who blog about their close relationships with family. I have an incredibly perfunctory relationship with my blood relatives. There's every possibility that the same deep connection I have with my best friends could also be forged between me and my daughter -- let's hope so!

Anonymous said...

I have felt very similar to what you wrote about, I have been on the other side of being the adopted child and "hating" my adoptive father at the time, now we have a really good relationship, and he is dear to me.
-Emmelia
www.corban7@wordpress.com

I know that becoming an individual is the point of childhood, and a natural part of that is a pulling away from the parents. I fully expect all my kids to go through a period where they pull away and reject. I think what freaks me out about my sister is that she's in her early thirties and has 3 kids of her own. It's nice to hear that not all rifts are permanent.


Anonymous said...

I've noticed that many of the adult adoptees (domestic) are in closed situations, or come from really abusive families. I feel more readily able to dismiss those situations as being too out of the norm to be relevant background for my situation. However, I think we have a lot to learn from the stories if we can sift through the anger (get ready for a wild ride). We have as much to learn from international adoptess who are coming of age.

So, the bigger question for me is: what can we learn and do differenly based on their experiences. I've got a long way to go on my learning curve, but so far I've decided:

1) I need to do more work integrating culture into my children's lives...more openness and communication will be necessary. It's going to be WORK, lots of work for me. I may have to move to a different neighborhood, go to a different church, find new physicians, and definitely surround my family with people "like" my kids.

2) Adoption reform, especially for domestic adoption, is needed.

3) Socioeconomic reform is desperately needed on a global scale. Read "The End of Povery" if you disagree. Such reform could result in a huge reduction in the availability of children for international adoption. Sucks for me personally, but I would get up on a table and shout 'hallelujah' if I knew that fewer people in the world were dying from lack of access to clean water or basic medication, that more families could afford to raise their children.


All of the above, I feel, is dead on. As most readers know, I've recommended THE END OF POVERTY highly a few times. It was a transformative book for me, paving the way to choosing Ethiopia over other programs -- long before we seriously considered adoption.

I try to incorporate economic justice into this blog as much as possible without having it overwhelm the focus on adoption, itself.

Anonymous continues, saying:

One of the biggest "catch 22" issues for me is that many Ethiopian children are not "orphans" by my standards: they have families, often families they know, who could and would want to raise them if those families had the cash OR in some circumstances if AIDS (b/c of death of one or both parents) wasn't such a social stigma. How do I reconcile that my children have living relatives who love them, but because of a long history of social, economic and political development, CAN'T raise them. So, then I fly halfway around the world to take them out of the only life they know and raise them as my own? And I know this is true because I get the chance to meet these relatives before I leave the country and give them a nifty map of where we'll be (as if they'll ever get to visit) and a generic photo of our "family"?


This weighs on me as well. I think I entered the process thinking of "orphans", and coming to understand that most are relinquished. In my posts about birthmothers, I've discussed how this has thrown me for a loop.

I read once that for some adoptees, the trauma of adoption is distinct from the event of getting a new family. In other words, adoption does not cause relinquishment. The relinquishment and trauma would occur anyway.

It's important, I think, to run a check on the idea that you are "saving" anyone. I feel that having selfish motives -- WANTING a daughter, ENJOYING Ethiopian culture, in my case, actually HELPS motivate me to do the RIGHT THING by my daughter and keep her culture and heritage alive.

As for "orphanage vs. family" and the disruption to culture and language...

Umm 'Skandar said...

What is the greater loss, to lose one's country, language, and culture? Or to have no family? It seems that right way to balance anger adult adoptee question is to seek out adults who lived their whole life in an orphanage. What can they add to this conversation?

I agree -- does anyone know if orphans have ever gone on record??

Carrie said...

My friend, I know exactly were you are in your adoption journey right now. The fear that you feel is real and you have real reasons to be afraid. Adoption, like everything in life, comes with no guarantees. You may adopt a child who has very real issues with being adopted or you may adopt a child who has none. Have you read “In Their Own Voices” by Rita Simmons? I found it to be a very realistic look at how transracially adopted children feel about their adoption and being raised in a white family. Many of these children had to deal with issues stemming from their adoption, but most still felt close to their adoptive parents. The people who had the most issues with their adoptive parents seemed to be the ones where there was “other”
issues with the child/parent relationship besides adoption e.g., abuse, neglect, poor communication.

I have not read this book yet, but was aware of it. I'll have to order it.

This post heartened me because the idea that adoption is a complication in an otherwise dysfunctional parent/child relationship applied to my parents and sister's relationship. Many of their parenting choices didn't have great results for either my sister or me -- but with adoption adding an extra wrinkle, her problems with them are more pronounced than mine. Once again, hopefully more selfless parenting can lead to a more healthy, respectful relationship all around.

Cathy and Abebech said similar things...

cathy said...

You wouldn't be a good parent if you didn't wrestle with these questions.

abebech said...

These are great responses. Please do check out thirdmom's blog, and my own post in response.
I am pro-adoption reform, pro-open records, do believe that children are best served by being raised in healthy families of origin, yet I feel very passionately that we did the right thing by our daughter, and will do so again by another child BECAUSE we've considered all these angles, listened to those very important voices, gave it all serious consideration and decided as we did. I also realize that doesn't mean she'll think we did the right thing when she's old enough to decide. But she'll know we did what we believed was the best thing, with our hearts full of love for her. Isn't that what most parents do?

A surprisingly cogent and effective argument. Also used by our African-American social worker, when I pestered her with questions during our home study. I may actually start believing it!

For those not in the know, Abebech is A NEW FLOWER BLOOMS. I have blogged about her awesomeness before.

jen said...
One thing I have considered, along with a lot of what has already been said here is that our children will grow up in a very different world than the adopted children coming of age. There are gazillions of books for us parents to read, there are studies that show what worked and what didn't, there are many more adoption communities and support groups, there are even more inter-racial relationships (marriages, adoptions, etc.) than twenty years ago. That's not to say that we have come so far that we don't need to work HARD, but it is to say that our children will have a different background than the children who are adult adoptees now.


Julie said...

I think the anger many adult adoptees have is a result of a line of thinking their parents' generation had toward international adoption (and adoption in general). Adoptive parents did not try (for the most part) to include their children's culture and did not address the issue of race. Some adoptees were even made to feel grateful for being "rescued" by their parents. Of course these are all generalizations, but awareness of the importance of one's birth culture and race are things that we as adoptive parents are only now starting to deal with in a healthy and constructive way. My thought (and hope) is the newest generation of adoptees will not be as angry as some of the current adult adoptees.

My wife and I attended a gathering of other adoptive families this past weekend. It was really amazing. It felt so natural, and the families were all really wonderful. I think these resources and the increasing awareness of adoption will help kids feel more "normal".

I must also say that part of my wife and my reason for continuing is all of you. We've met some of the most engaged, open, honest, decent people within this adoption community. People who are engaged in the world, people who are fighting for economic justice and racial equality. People who's relationship with God is about love and community, not division or oppression. People willing to admit to fears, mistakes and insecurities.

It may sound strange, but we figure such people can't be involved in something wrong, or something damaging to kids.

So, we're soldiering on, waiting for our referral. I'll continue to blog about race and culture and adoption, in hopes that such an education can making me a better parent -- and that by being such a parent, I really can tip the scales of fate in my (and my adopted child's) favor.

Confused, Need Help

HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!

For people who have OLDER ADOPTED KIDS and for ADULT ADOPTEES... I'm having real problems coming to grips with the idea of adoption -- how does an adopted person integrate her adopted family with her birth family. Does an adopted person ever get over that dissonance of coming from somewhere else -- and in this case another culture (which the child will, on some level, lose) and another race (which the child, on some level, will feel alienated from)and a birth mother a half-a-globe away, more imagined to her than real.

I've gotten so far into the experience of adult adoptees who feel "completed" by their birthfamily (some who are still on good terms with the adopted family, most who are not), that I'm beginning to feel that adoption is nothing more than a gamble.

I have a tremendous capacity to love an adopted child as my own. I have energy to do my best to compensate for not being raised Ethiopian, or even in an African-American family. I have energy to try to help, in my small way, to make Ethiopia better.

What I do not have the capacity for is to have the relationship with an adult child that I see many adult adoptees and their families having. I am so freaked about it that I feel it may be better not to "risk" the "experiment" of adoption at all.

I'm starting to side with the anti-adoption crowd. Their arguements are really starting to make sense. I'm even questioning the desire to have a third child by any means -- my wife and my unwillingness to play genetic roulette by getting pregnant over 35 was a major factor in chosing adoption in the first place.

Am I chicken? Am I having cold feet? Do I have a statistically skewed view of adoption? Or am I just being honest that I don't want to risk endangering my marriage and my bio kids' lives for a potentially bad outcome?

Get a Free Professional Portrait!

I learned of this from "Tamra" on a Yahoo! board.

There is a group of affiliated photographers, called CELEBRATING ADOPTION. They offer a COMPLIMENTARY SITTING FEE for a professionally-shot portrait of your adoptive family IF YOU'VE ADOPTED IN THE LAST YEAR.

Use their website to find a photographer in your area!

Birthmothers

You know what a broken heart looks like? Like a sobbing teenager in a hospital bed giving a two-day-old infant she knows she can't take care of to a couple she hopes can.

Orphans. The word is thrown around alot in cases of International Adoption. On those long walks in the summer with my family when all this first came up, I was comfortable with orphans. Who couldn't appreciate giving an orphan a home?

Then, while on the boards, people kept making references to "traveling south", once in Ethiopia, to meet the "family" - overtaxed aunts and uncles?

No, the poster made clear that she was in contact with the birthmother. Initially, I rebelled (in my mind) -- "Wait! Whoa, hold the phone, nobody said anything about birthmothers!"

Since that moment, I have worked on educating myself about open adoption, trying to visualize explaining it to a child, weaving it into our lives.

Much of my fear comes from the fallout from my sister's closed adoption, her birthmother's return and then her birthmother abandoning the relationship. In our case, the birthmother was a destabilizing influence, to say the least.

That's why Dan Savage's essay, LIVING WITH A VERY OPEN ADOPTION really spoke to me.

It provoked me to visualize a moment I intellectually comprehend happens, but on which I dared not dwell:

I was thirty-three years old when we adopted DJ, and I thought I knew what a broken heart was, how it felt, what it looked like. I didn't know anything. You know what a broken heart looks like? Like a sobbing teenager in a hospital bed giving a two-day-old infant she knows she can't take care of to a couple she hopes can.

I won't be there for that part. We will get a referral picture. Maybe, if she shows up, we will meet the mother months later. That doesn't mean that a moment such as the one described above didn't happen. It's just uncomfortable (or, maybe, emotionally crippling) to think about.

Dan continues:

Ask a couple hoping to tadopt what they want most in the world and they'll tell you there's only one thing on earth they want: a baby, a healthy baby. But many couples want something more: They want their child's biologincal parents to disappear. THey want their child's viological mothe rand father to be forever absent so there will never be any question about who their child's "real" parents are.

In my darker, less proud moments, I admit to this. I was shocked that Dan Savage put it in an essay in an actual book. (He goes on to explain that he never felt this way and wanted an open adoption).

Then, in other moments, I would find myself agreeing with the anti-adoption folks, that maybe the whole idea of adoption is wrong on the face of it -- cruel and confusing to the kid, robbing them of a sense of culture and history and family. Better to stay in Ethiopia.

I guess, at some point, I grew up. After long talks, my wife and I started discussing about ways to keep the birthmother "in the family". My wife would talk about feeling a connection "as a mother" to this woman -- knowing what it feels like to be pregnant and experience birth...

Um, no, I didn't get it. Intellectually, I was all about discussing it, but emotionally -- nada. My "heart" wasn't guiding me. My heart was shrunk back in my chest cavity hiding from the whole thing.

Then, I wrote that review for Bob Shacochis' essay, KEEPING IT ALL IN THE FAMILY. As I recall, my review reflected my initial feeling: "basically useless to me".

Well, yesterday, I found myself ruminating on it, for no particular reason, when, suddenly, my heart spoke up: "What if, for whatever reason, you were tapped to take care of your niece, like Bob was? How would that be? More importantly, how would you treat your sister in such an instance?"

Suddenly, it came to me, a gloss on the "Golden Rule" that made sense to me intellectually AND emotionally: The birthmother will become family. TREAT HER THE WAY YOU'D TREAT YOUR SISTER. TREAT YOUR ADOPTED CHILD THE WAY YOU WOULD TREAT YOUR NIECE, IF YOU HAD LEGAL CUSTODY. Instantly, everything became clear. I would never not "parent" her. I'd be the parental role model. I'd teach right from wrong, exert my "parental authority", or whatever, but I'd never try to create a fantasy that my sister didn't exist. I wouldn't fail to acknowledge her role in my neice's life, or try to quell the unique bond they would share. I would never try to deny her importance to my child's identity in a misguided attempt to make her feel "normal", "the same as the bio kids", "part of the family" or "ours". She WILL be "ours"... and she won't be. She will also be the daughter of a man and woman in Ethiopia... and that makes THEM part of our family, too -- to be treated with the same respect and decency as a sister or brother.

A Love Like No Other: Variations

Much of my "Are We Guilty?" posts made oblique references to Jacquelyn Mitchard's WHICH ONES ARE YOURS?, in which she fields a question in such an aggressive way, she admits she categorized, by her interviewer as a "Tiger-Lady-Crabby-Oversensitive-Diva". My question in this essay is, "what's the point of that?" Why be so aggressive, that, even if you are RIGHT, you are still written off?

Much of my previous discussion came from questioning this stance. Still, the essay is not without it's merits. She does a marvelous job of heading off any attempts by her kids (bio or adopted) of making an issue of adoption during moments of discord. Her DAT (that would be "Dumb Adoption Talk", in the parlance of her kids) eschews the chestnut, "You're not my real mom!" in favor of, "I don't hate you because I'm an adolescent who's trying to adjust to the fact that he was adopted. I hate you personally." While obviously funny, I think it's a good point. How amazing that they've digested the adoption process so thoroughly that they know not to bring it into arguments -- that the bio kids don't use the adopted kids' "primal wound" to do just that. More amazing, is that the adopted kids have the presence of mind not to use their story as a way to inflict damage on their adopted parents. What can be a quick, devastating way to win an argument (or deflect punishment for a curfew violation) can lead to long-term harm in the relationship, a fact sometimes not considered by the adolescent adopted kid.

THE DAY THAT HALLMARK FORGOT by Jesse Green focuses on the intrigue surrounding Mother's Day in a family with two dads. Managing to be both irreverent and touching, it ends on a note that is applicable to all of us: the benefits of being able to "express unconventional truth in conventional terms".

STANDING OUT AND STANDING UP IN THE CROWD by Marcelle Clements is an ode to her unsinkable, adopted son, Luc. Within her celebration, she goes to lengths to refute the psuedo-science of "Adopted Child Syndrome". "...[C]reated by psychologist David Kirschner and first used as a defense in the 1984 trial of an adolescent adoptee accused of setting fire to his home and murdering his parents... the "adopted child syndrome" has been cited as scientific evidence that adopted adolescents are at high risk of becoming liars, thieves and serial killers..." She mentions that this notion has been soundly refuted and that even Kirschner renounced his theory. Still, it seems that in prime-time news magazine shows and other popular "news" media, the "adopted child syndrome" looms large.

DIVORCE, ADOPTION-STYLE by Antionette Martin is a powerful bit of personal testimony -- what happens to children, adopted out to stable, two-parent homes, when those homes lose stability -- and a parent? I can only imagine it would be a life-line for anyone attempting to ensure familial support for adopted children through a stressful divorce. Antionette and her ex, Ted, seem to do as good a job as anybody, in separating without separating from the kids. I hope never to need it!

KEEPING IT ALL IN THE FAMILY by Bob Shacochis tells the rather sad story of an infertile couple on the verge of adopting, when Bob's sister-in-law reveals that she is dying of breast cancer, leaving in her wake a teen daughter and a dysfunctional ex-husband. Bob and his wife, "C", become guardians to the girl, but find her nearly uncontrollable. Her bio-dad creates numerous problems, preventing them from adopting, but also failing in his role as a father. The essay ends with the nature of the relationship unclear -- Bob is both more than and less than an uncle and certainly not a father, although he treasures the one Father's Day card he did receive, as a token of his best attempt at fatherhood. Frankly, this essay did not provide me with much to take away, except, perhaps, that even in the most troubled adoptive parent/adoptee relationship, there is still a memory, a trace of what could have been, to be cherished.

Are We Guilty? - The Sequel

My sincerest appreciation to everyone who commented on ARE WE GUILTY? This has been the most-commented-upon post in Swerl's short, modest history. Thanks!

Your comments have spurred me to further refine my own thoughts, and I am excited to share what I hope will be a more reasoned distillation of my point-of-view:

Everyone seemed to react to the idea of "educating people". I think that's important, but it is only a BY-PRODUCT. As a parent (obviously) the well-being of your kids is really your ONLY priority. So, when I say that I will be very open to questions, even potentially intrusive questions, I say that ONLY for it's benefits to my child.

MODELING:

Kids model their behavior. If we're lucky (and if we deserve it), they model themselves after us. They may model themselves after peers. They may model themselves after karate-proficient mutant turtles.

Every encounter, in the presence of your child, in which your child's story becomes a topic -- with strangers, with work associates, with neighbors, with folks at church, with family -- will be a time in which your attitude towards your child's story (and your child's different way of coming to your family) will be viewed and internalized by your child. It WILL BE. Someone asks, you talk, child hears, child MODELS his or her opinion about his or her own story. This will influence his or her self-esteem. It will create an emotion, long before the child can make his or her own decisions.

Because of modeling, I feel the idea of "allowing the child to choose how to tell his or her own story" is a canard. The child's been watching US make that choice for years before we ask it of them, and in this scenario, our choice has been to REFUSE TO DISCUSS IT.

Chances are, they will internalize this, model this, and their choice, too, will be to refuse to discuss it. This is the idea of "shame" to which I had previously referred.

Not making a choice is also a choice.

THE ADOPTION LITERATURE

In a few essays, articles, blogs and forum reports, I see an exchange crafted in the following manner:

QUESTIONER: Where did the child come from? How did you get him/her? Does he/she have parents? (or some variation)

ADOPTIVE PARENT: That's private information, that's my child's story to tell, when he so chooses.

Now, the kid may be sucking on a pacifier. So that's a total dodge. That's a "I'm not answering your questions".

I've read some other accounts where the adoptive parent counters: "What sexual position did you use to get pregnant?" (obviously snarky) or a terse "It's not your business."

To me, "None of your business" implies shame.

TEACHING A YOUNGER CHILD TO OWN A STORY

Since we're on the list for a girl under twelve months, and since the kids we have now are 5 and under, the following is written from the perspective of a parent with kids who can't completely speak for themselves. It is, I think, an effort to parent in such a way that when the child is older, she WOULD feel comfortable speaking for herself.

I agree with Brian that I would never tell anyone more than I would tell her, and that when she feels comfortable talking to adults, she can explain her own story. This is really about how to handle questions from people -- including friends, family, co-workers, etc., prior to that time.

To me, how to model these encounters in such a way to ensure that your child does not associate shame with his or her origins (no matter how horrible) is to make sure that EVERY ENCOUNTER IN WHICH THAT CHILD'S ORIGINS ARE MENTIONED ENDS TRANQUILLY AND POSITIVELY FOR ALL INVOLVED.

That way, the kid learns that his or her origins, no matter how painful, are not a source of shame. The story can be discussed in "polite company". The story is to be OWNED.

People talk all the time about "owning" their stories: Christians discuss "owning" their faith. If Christians don't feel comfortable, in themselves, express their faith openly, do they have it? Strangely analogously, in the early days of the AIDS crisis in America, the rallying call was not for a cure, but "SILENCE=DEATH" Alcoholics always talk about how the first step in recovery is to admit the reality of their situation. In WWI, they learned that the only cure for "shell shock" was "the talking cure", a precursor to all post-traumatic stress therapies (and if being either relinquished or orphaned isn't a cause for post-traumatic stress...)

To own a story is to discuss it without shame.

Now, within that, certainly there are a million ways TO talk about stories, a million ways to direct the conversation, details to be added or glossed over.

I think this is where some of the comments and my post my suffer from a semantical conflict. I'm not advocating volunteering every bit of information. What I am advocating is handling questions in a non-confrontational manner, in the spirit of openness, so the kid and the questioner do not see the parent being defensive or guarded.

One of the essays I read features a woman who would not tell which of her children was adopted. For most of us, that's not a question that needs to be asked. The questions will be variations on "why are you parenting a black kid?" These questions will come from EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE. Some will be more carefully crafted than others. I have black nieces, and when my wife and I have taken them shopping or whatever, we always get questioned -- from black people and white people and Latinos and Asians and old and young, whatever.

Based on those life experiences, I imagine I will handle questions this way:

Is she yours?

She was born in Ethiopia, but, now, she's our child -- one of the gang!

Is she adopted?

She's adopted. We adopted her from Ethiopia. Ethiopia is an amazing country. Did you know it's the only area of Sub-Saharan Africa never to be colonized? It's a great culture...

Is she an orphan/where are her parents?

IF SHE'S AN ORPHAN:

Sadly, her birth family died. Ethiopia has had a rough time of it, and the United States hasn't done enough to help. As a culture, Ethiopia values children tremendously and are going to amazing lengths to ensure that every kid in Ethiopia has a loving family, no matter what's going on.

IF HER BIRTH MOM IS ALIVE:

She has her first family in Ethiopia, but because of conditions over there right now, her parents loved her enough to relinquish her to be raised by us, but we're doing everything we can to make sure she knows her family there and knows her culture.

IF SHE'S NOT AND WE DON'T KNOW THE BIRTH MOM:

She has her first family in Ethiopia, but because of tragic conditions there, her parents loved her enough to relinquish her to be raised by us. We're trying to honor them by doing everything we can to connect with, and, within our power, help all the other kids in Ethiopia.

I think politics is important. I think it's important for kids to feel empowered in our great democratic society. I feel that politics can be part of the explanation. I also know people hate hearing folks with causes, so it seems like a great way to conclude a line of unwanted questioning without conflict or discord. Any questions about why the child was given up can be countered with the real facts on the ground -- the number of orphans, the toll of diseases that we find manageable, the fact that the Clinton administration helped support drug company patents over human life, the fact that the Bush administration made a number of showy promises towards meeting Millennium Development Goals which have gone unfunded, etc. Heck, maybe I'll just carry ONE bracelets around and pass them out if someone is so interested. That would at least model engagement and empowerment to my child. Also, it's suitably boring to enough people that they'll probably disengage politely at that point -- without having my child see me refuse to talk about her entry into our family.

AIDS

Amy asked a provocative (good) question about HIV status. We are not adopting an HIV+ child at this time, so none of my imaginary projects dealt with that reality. After a lot of mulling, I think there's a way to address that honestly in front of your child as well. Again, it mixes the personal and the political. I think you can say that your child is HIV+, but, thankfully, the viral count is low and she will live a long, healthy productive life. Furthermore, she's no danger to anyone else.

From there, I'd say that it's tragic that a dollar a day could prevent this. That life in Ethiopia is just as valuable as in the USA, but while we've almost eliminated mother-to-child infections and have allowed this disease to become a manageable, chronic condition, in Ethiopia and much of the less developed world, there is still a lot of needless infections and a high mortality. I'd talk about the Lazarus effect these drugs have (a great picture in THERE IS NO ME WITHOUT YOU), and the fact that the "cocktail" has been refined into a twice-daily pill.

If the child is around a group consistently, say in church or school, explain it to everyone at once, maybe.

BIG CAVEAT: RACISM

All of the above is said with the understanding that the questioner is not racist. If the questioner IS racist, then that person needs to be corrected firmly, and then the conversation must end. Part of modeling is also teaching how to stand up to racism.

WHERE IT COMES FROM

I'm a joker with a blog. I don't know anything. I know I'm in the minority, here. But I've had the experiences of being in public with my nieces. For the HIV thing, I've known people who've died of AIDS and I also know, as a close friend of our family, a man who has lived for 15 years with it, who went from full-blown AIDS, with dementia and the whole bit, to now being back to working a demanding job and being the dad to four kids. I also have a sister who's adopted, who has struggled with issues of identity her whole life.

From my sister, I've learned that a close bond and a happy childhood does not guarantee a happy adolescence or young adulthood. My parents are in primary education. My dad has a Masters and was on the verge of getting his Doctorate in childhood development. They did everything "right" -- as of the 70's and 80's. The two things they didn't do were to embrace the fact that she was half-Puerto Rican, and they did not help her own her story prior to being adopted. (She was adopted as a newborn). It was a closed adoption, but she did reunite with her birth mother(with sadly disappointing results). She, too, was allowed to tell her own story, to judge what she wanted to say... and she never wanted to talk about it. My parents thought that was proof of her attachment and proof of their good parenting, until she hit 16 and the world came crashing in. She's 30 now, and she has kids of her own, but I think she could've had a happier 16-27 if she didn't feel that there was a social stigma being a "drug baby". To our family, empowerment would've been teaching her from the first, not just that she was loved and wanted and "meant" for our family and "chosen", but that her mother was a junkie -- and that does not define her. That last bit, that her "story" doesn't define her, that, although it is a fact, it is only one of a million, and will not be her summing up -- that was never modeled for her. She was the guardian of her "story" and it quietly tore her apart under all of our noses.

For these reasons, I feel the child's story should NOT be arbitrarily held back, and then dumped on a 10 year old (or whatever the age), passing the buck of the responsibility, the weight of that story to the child.

The child should grow up knowing that difficult truths can be de-fanged, made commonplace, to the point where the situation of their birth and adoption are normalized -- not a "story" placed in their lap like a gift or a curse, but just common facts -- with their TRUE "life story" -- the story of how their lives turn out -- yet to be written.

I'd love everyone's input on this. Once again, I'm just trying to sort all this out, myself. I greatly appreciate everyone who stops by and I welcome a very healthy discourse!

Are We Guilty?

Anyone who's read recent posts here knows that I'm struggling with the "politics of the public". My "adoption journey" has pretty much followed a pattern: have an idea about something. Read something that butts up hard against said idea. Think-think-think (like Winnie-the-Pooh). Strongly reverse original opinion. In a sheerly Orwellian move, deny I ever held the first opinion, especially to my wife.

So, I ran across this Oprah article. It coincided with some posts on some boards and with a few of the essays in A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER. It smacked me for a loop, as it had never occurred to me that a child's story was "private". Brit can't even keep her junk private. What's private anymore?

I pretty much fully envisioned blabbing my child's entire rich, compelling story, whatever it will be (still waitin' on that referral), to every Joe Wal-Mart and Bettie Target who crosses my path.

This is the path of the unjust. This will get me banished from Oprah-ville (testosterone will also cause banishment, but I digress).

So, mostly out of fear of spending the rest of my miserable life shivering for want of Oprah's beatific grace, I pondered. I asked the smartest birthmother I cyber-know. I almost convinced myself that there's something to this PRIVACY thing.

Then, I ran across the following, from Amy's utterly charming blog, ETHIOPIA OR BUST. They currently have an endearing slideshow of the moment they got their referral.

It was kinda late, and, after I read it, I rambled in her comment section. I found myself having an actual OPINION. It came from the heart and it came all the more freely for the fact that it was just some rambling comment, to be passed over, on someone else's blog, rather than taking front and center on my own.

So, here's a chunk of Amy's post, addressing the "O" magazine article:

Guilty.

I was reading an article today in the April addition of Oprahs magazine. The article is called 8 Things NEVER to Say to an Adopted Child. The article is written by Elizabeth Cuthrell. Her and her husband are white and have adopted two girls from China. After reading the article I am guilty of doing many things wrong when I see interracial families. She states that she used to stare at interracial adoptive families and kind of follow them with her eyes, not because she was judging them or disapproving, but because she was approving and thought it was neat. She said that familes would catch her staring and she would "smile warmly in an effort to convey her support."(Guilty) She said she now realizes that those families do not need her support and that what they do need is for people to not notice, or at least not make a big deal of noticing. She said that she "Now understands that frequently interracially adopted kids and their families long for privacy; just to be treated like any other human being whose history the public does not assume it knows or assume it has the right to know." She went onto share some stories of people approaching her when she is with the girls and asking very bold, inappropriate questions regarding the girls backgrounds. For example:
Where did you get them?
How much did they cost you?
Is their father Chinese?
Do they speak English?

So, I am guilty. Just last week we were at dinner with Josh's parents. This white couple with a cute biracial baby boy walked by. I smiled at the parents, nudged Josh, the whole bit. The mother stopped because she thought I had said something....I had not said anything, but then told her that her son was beautiful. I said, where is he from? (Yes, I am an idiot) She said, he's biracial. She smiled and walked away. She was very sweet and kind. The only reason I asked where he was from was because I was so hoping he was from Ethiopia. Now I know she was secretly hating me and my nosiness. I now realize that clearly where he is from is none of my business. I don't go walking up to cute white babies asking where they are from.

Elizabeth Cuthrell went on to write:
"Someday I hope we will live in a world where racial or familial differences don't matter because well have achieved the understanding that one kind, or one way, is not necessarily better than anothers. As for now, I fear we routinely call unneeded attention to these differences. For example, why are Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's kids described as their "adopted kids?" Why aren't they just identified as "their kids?" Or why did the press write that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were expecting their first child when they already have a son and a daughter? We don't refer to how biological children become a part of their families, so why do we point out adoption?"

I sort of can feel this a bit. We have been asked about when we are going to try again to have biological children. It sometimes feels like others value biological children more. Right now, at this moment, today.....I don't know if I ever want to have "biological children." My heart is bursting with love for Silas. That is really all I can think about now.

The following is my comment:

I'm struggling with something similar on my blog, in which various experts have recommended that a child's story of origin is theirs and theirs alone, and, if asked if the kid still has a first family or not, or what the child's story is, you are supposed to basically tell people it's none of their business.

I find the Oprah author and the author to which I was responding both, frankly, full of it. That's my gut, but I'm open to being proven wrong.

I think that the world is not going to be particularly easy on our kids, and the more they see their situation being treated with honor and honesty and respect -- as DIFFERENT, but still GREAT -- can only embolden them to "own" their story.

To make it "private" to me is tantamount to shame. Or, worse yet, acting like they AREN'T different, when, in fact, they ARE. The problem comes when different equates with "less than". I think that, for a multi-cultural country, we are all pretty slow to realize that "different" means "a unique perspective" and "fresh insight", and that getting to know "different" people is a great way to broaden your horizons. So, I can't imagine, (unless someone is out-and-out racist) ever being "put off" by any questions, no matter how ignorant, because it's an opportunity to share our reality and experience with someone else. If we all do that, all the time, "different" won't be something to fear or "keep private" anymore.

So, will I be the worst adoptive father ever? Weigh in!

Unexpected: A Love Like No Other

Part Two of A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER focuses on "Encounters With the Unexpected", containing a variety of essays in which parents were caught off-guard by the reality of adoption.

Melissa Fay Greene's "Post-Adoption Panic" is as surprising as to WHO wrote it as what she wrote. Melissa Fay Greene (as her bio at the end of the book attests) wrote a book "about a foster mother to AIDS orphans in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. That book is practically the Bible of Ethiopian adoption. That book is, in whole or in part, responsible for many people considering Ethiopian adoption. That book is recommended highly on this website. Don't have it? BUY IT. READ IT. There's a handy link, go-go-go, we'll wait.

Good. Everyone owns THERE IS NO ME WITHOUT YOU. Now, buy THIS book (A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER) and read how a mother of 4 "bio" kids struggles to bond with their first adopted child, a boy named Jesse, from Bulgaria. This is prior to their children adopted from Ethiopia. This is the story of a mother who bristles at having this "interloper" in family pictures, who loses her patience easily, who finally makes an appointment with a psychiatrist, because she just can't seem to LOVE this adopted, older, Bulgarian child. It is a question that few parents ask honestly. While there is endless work put into trying to coax adopted children into loving their "a-parents", no one asks -- not out loud -- if they are REALLY capable of loving an adopted child like their own. And for some, it is a hard adjustment. Greene's honest portrayal will help anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation.

Sheila Stainback's "Baby on Board—But Not Everyone Else" will be massively identifiable to many of us. What happens when we think the sun and moon revolves around our kid/s -- but our extended family refuse to welcome him or her/them into the fold? This essay describes the slow thaw that occurs when the "other" becomes "family".

Amy Rackear's "The Second Time Around" revolves around a fertility-challenged couple who adopt successfully, but struggle with the decision of expanding their family through adoption a second time.

Jill Smolowe's "Color Her Becky" recounts a family with a daughter adopted from China (the titular "Becky"), fail to see the importance of discussing race with their daughter, until she has to grapple with a school bully who delight in taunting her with the brilliant put-down, "Cut the cheese, you're Chinese."

Reading this essay was like having a conversation with the person I was a year ago. At that time, at the beginning of our process, I would've said that emphasizing race is unnecessary. Play it as it lays, right? I now feel, after a year of reading books and blogs and forums, asking friends, etc., that it's irresponsible to leave a child unprepared for this kind of unpleasant experience. Judging from much of the tranracially-adopted adult adoptee community on the internet, it is those who grew up identifying as "white" until adulthood that had the biggest trouble when the world failed to see them as they saw themselves. It may be counter-intuitive at first, but the more race is discussed, the less of an "issue" it may be later in the child's life.

Jana Wolff's "The First Thirteen" makes some starling admissions about her thirteen-year-old, transracially-adopted son: the more he excels in that which she does not, the more she realizes he is not "of" her. Likewise, the more he fails at (or fails to care about) things she finds important, the more she grows to understand the truth of adoption -- we are loving another's child like our own. ANOTHER'S child, with a different set of genetics, different predispositions, different medical histories, different issues. She tells of how her son said, in a moment of anger, "Adoption sucks, you end up with the worst parents". She quietly agreed, not for his reasons, but her own... that, "like many adoptive parents, [we] persist in our fantasies about our children -- saping them if not in our image, than in our image of them." And if they don't live up? "Many of our kins turn out to be only average. There's nothign wrong with average, expect that it doesn't give moms and dads the vindication that above-average does."

From this point, questions as to nature vs. nurture are parsed, eventually leading to increased interaction with the child's birthmother.

My own opinion of the piece is that the writer came off as having unrealistic expectations for her son, and that, in any number of ways, her ego was getting the better of her parenting. I think one of the greatest challenges to good adoptive parenting is the almost zen-like discipline it takes to get your own ego out of the way of your child.

Bonnie Miller Rubin's "The Fallout from a Less-than-Perfect Beginning" is the adoption horror story. A "Gerber baby... in a pink crocheted dress", adopted from Chile, develops a profound (but undiagnosed) emotional disorder, consisting of rage-filled meltdowns. The essay explores how desperate, how powerless, this loving adoptive mother feels in the face of "a bunch of neurotransmitters."

Personally, I feel much of this has little to do with adoption, per se, (unless there are studies of which I'm unaware), and everything to do with the decision to add a child to the family. Before we had our second bio-kid, we had months of discussions, that all boiled down to one unanswerable question: "what if it's a BAD one?" You can't answer that question. Ultimately, you go on faith, because there's no crystal ball. Like Rubin, no matter how much you try to hedge by good, informed, enlightened parenting, there may be problems outside your ability to control -- with ANY kid.

My wife and I have the disquieting habit of watching that show, INTERVENTION. It's like a horror movie for parents. What if that was one of our kids, running the streets, cooking up smack in the bottom of 7-11 cans? What if our kid is schizophrenic?

Scary? Yes. But what if you get hit by a bus? So much of life is out of your actual, physical control, that to live your life in avoidance of pain or risk is to live a gray, empty life.

We want the noise and the energy and the challenge that will come with another child. Our child will be a different gender from those we have now, a different color, a different nationality. She will be loved unconditionally, whether she wants to be or not. Her problems will be our problems. Could it all go sideways? Sure. But to think we WANTED to take this step, but let FEAR win the day? I couldn't imagine anything scarier than that.

Welcome, Friends!

Welcome the following families to the ETHIOPIAN ADOPTION BLOGROLL:

Show 'em some love!

April and Zach's Adoption Site

Augusta's Blog

Baby Ash's Adventure

Bringing Baby Home Blog

Ethiopia Mama

Fairy Good Baby

The Adoption of Nicholas

The Brocker Family Journal

The Earley Journey

The Schmidt Family Journey to Rebekkah and Joseph

Meet Your (Racist) Neighbors

It will happen.

At some point, somebody is going to say something...not stupid, not out of bounds, just plain racist. They will think you're a "good white person" and, therefore, won't be minding their "manners" as they would have in "mixed company".

You have not spent your life building a thick skin about such matters. And this is your CHILD being dehumanized. Yes, a child, and you are a parent, therefore, jail is not an option. So what do you do?

I recently stumbled across a wonderfully written blog, the personal blog of "Aaryn", a professional columnist and adopted parent of an adorable African-American girl known as "Ruby" (pictured).

She graciously allowed me to share the experience with everyone here. The following serves as an illustration of what kind of situation we may face and, I feel, a pretty nifty response on Aaryn's part:

How A Man Becomes Ugly And Ruins My Sunday

Sam and I both knew when we chose to adopt an African-American child, that we would forever be on the frontlines of racism in America. And we were okay with this. We're both outspoken in our own way and neither one of us are the kind of people to back down when faced with bigoted comments. Still. No amount of pre-adoption coursework or reading could prepare us for the new dimension of pain racism would cause us because thanks to adoption, we see the world very differently than we did almost 18 months ago. Racism has always been abhorrent to me but now it's personal, too. The blinders are off. Amen.

Yesterday morning at the park, I had a conversation with a neighbor I hadn't met before. We were discussing the fact that our community, built around a college, isn't always safe and that women in particular need to be aware that there are sexual predators in the area. Which is when, as Ruby toddled away from me to the water fountain with her father, this young and relatively attractive guy offered me the following little gem:

"And you know that it's because these African-Americans are rolling up in the neighborhood."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him directly, making mental note of his wild effort to be politically correct with his racist views. Clearly he'd seen me playing with Ruby and would at the very least have enough sense to keep it to himself. But no. He obviously assumed that I played for his team, some sort of twisted camaraderie based on the shared color of our skin. He simply continued unfiltered from his place of inherent superiority as a white twenty-something male.

"Well, the rapists and stuff..."

"What about them? There are plenty of white rapists and sexual deviants. Are you saying that only black men commit these crimes?"

He just stood there looking at his feet, saying nothing. His wife sat next to me on the park bench, mouth closed, petting her 3-month old Yorkie. The quiet air was thickening between all of us. So I went ahead and whipped out my cleaver to cut through the bullsh**:

"You know, whether someone is a sexual predator has nothing to do with the color of their skin."

"Yeah...well...yeah." He mumbled this last part while kicking at a rock, his black lab making nervous figure eights around his legs (the irony that he owned a black dog was not lost on me). His voice weakly trailed off.

"Well, you're speaking to the mother of a black daughter," I pointed toward Ruby as she climbed expertly onto the step of the water fountain, Ella pacing at her heels with the tennis ball in her mouth. "So you're talking to the wrong person about the blacks rolling into the neighborhood."

"Yeah...I guess I'm not gonna get into it." He said this last bit as if he actually had more to say. As if he had some really persuasive argument to offer but had already seen my fangs.

"I think that's a really good idea."

Then he just stood there for I don't know how long. Too long, really. My hackles were up and inside I was screaming. I fought the urge to call across the park to Sam, to let him know it was time to leave. I was so uncomfortable and just wanted to go home but this was our park and we'd just gotten there and we'd had such a lovely morning and F*** this guy. So I just stayed put, my elbow only centimeters from that of his wife who still said nothing, complicit in her silence. Finally this guy, who had in seconds morphed into the most vile person I'd ever seen, began to skulk away to the furthest corners of the park. I watched him go, privately hoping I'd sufficiently shamed him, and while I waited anxiously for Sam and Ruby and Ella to wander back to me, I passed the time trying to act normal as I engaged in the most pathetic small talk with the racist dude's wife.

As we walked home, I was unable to speak for a few minutes because I was so close to tears. When I did recount the conversation for my husband he was equally distraught by the whole thing. While we discussed how we were feeling, Ruby babbled away in her stroller, pointing at airplanes in the blue morning sky, aping the crows on the powerlines overhead, completely innocent and oblivious to what had just transpired. It was the first time I'd been confronted by such blatant, unedited and direct racism since we've had our girl and my heart was broken into ten thousand tiny shards. My child has done nothing except to have beautiful dark brown skin and I know what lies ahead for her. I want to shelter her from it, to keep her from becoming hardened by the hurtful stupidity of ignorant people but understand that this is not possible. I felt helpless, filled up with sorrow and worse than anything, overcome with a rageful hate.

Once we got home, Sam sat down on the couch and began to cry, something I've witnessed only twice before in our 9-year relationship. We were both devastated. As an interracial family we regularly intercept ridiculous comments as they pertain to both adoption and race; sometimes we handle them better than others but even with ongoing practice, we still haven't completely acclimated to being such public property. This particular interaction, however, was the kind of direct hit we'd read about, knew was inevitable and for which there is no preparation as it pertains to emotional injury. Not internalizing it is a challenge.

I know I've got to find a place of compassion in my heart for this man and for others like him. This is necessary for survival of my belief system. Hating is only going to make me a bitter person and aid me in raising a bitter daughter, neither of which I want. It's so hard to find the forgiveness that's imperative for healing; I'm closer today than I was yesterday and hopefully tomorrow that goal will be even more within my reach. But I'm still feeling very raw over the whole exchange and wondering how I can possibly face similar situations over and over again without it breaking me in half.

Many generations of black people have survived it and I can't help but wonder how.

Aaryn's blog, "Ruby Soho" joins the blogroll, under "Parent(s) Who've Adopted Transracially". Her blog mixes in liberal politics with her slice-of-life commentary, so, if you have a violent reaction against such points of view, be forewarned. I find all of her writing to come from a place of profound compassion, and she writes with considerable wit.

SWERLFOLK, PLEASE COMMENT WITH YOUR OWN BRUSHES WITH CASUALLY RACIST REMARKS -- ESPECIALLY IF THE PERSON SPEAKING DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE A TRANSRACIAL PARENT.

Profile: Nancy Meyer & Illinois Ethiopian Kids Community

Adoption can be a lonely business in the most ordinary circumstances. Some of us Gen-Xers may still have friends without even a pet, who’s idea of “responsibility” constitutes “finding a designated driver”. Add to that the fact that, by adopting from Ethiopia, we are becoming parents to children of a different cultural heritage and, often, of a different race, well, it’s easy to feel a little isolated.

One suggestion in all those pamphlets we get from the adoption agencies is to “meet with other families like yourselves”. Point out the tree where those families grow and I’ll shake it.

Nancy Meyer couldn’t find that tree either… so she took things into her own hands. I think she’s a profound inspiration to all of us. I asked her to share her incredible journey with us, so that, at minimum, she can help her organization thrive. More importantly, I’d love for her to serve as a model for all of us, so that we can emulate her entrepreneurial spirit… er, rip off her idea and do it in our own towns.

Nancy has formed the Illinois Ethiopian Kids Community (IEKC), an adoption community that aims to provide cultural and social connections for our children/families through activities and events and to create authentic relationships/friendships with the local Ethiopian community.

Nancy built and maintains the organization’s website: www.ethiopiankids.net. You owe it to yourself to check it out, even if you can’t spell Illinois (no shame in that, it’s sort of counter-intuitive). The site is chock full’a great links, product reviews and information of value to anyone in our community. Don’t believe me? They have one of the best hair resource pages I’ve seen. The links are so valid, because each comes with a nice little explanatory profile as to why it’s relevant. That makes for some smart surfing!

If you ARE in or near Chicago, Illinois, you can take advantage of the cultural events and meetings Nancy organizes. On August 4th, 2007, IEKC is hosting the Mesgana Dancers, in Evanston, IL. Tickets will be on sale, on-line.

My hunger for connections with other families is what led my motivation to form a community, Nancy explains. I arranged an informal gathering of some local families last year that I knew had adopted from Ethiopia. We met at a local Ethiopian restaurant. Most of the families in attendance were families "in-process" and needed support from others who had walked the path.

The organization is growing quickly. From that initial gathering of seven families, the local organization now boasts a roster of fifty families. I am working to create unity, which is a long, steady process. Still, she feels an even stronger sense of community is warranted. I have found that families are very interested up until the point they bring their child(ren) home. Then the need for connection begins to wane. It seems like it should be the opposite really. I think people get busy in their lives and perhaps lose sight of the bigger picture...that our children will one day ask "who am I" and "where do I belong"?

As our children grow up, they will be caught between black and white, Ethiopia and America, first family and second family. A group like this seems to provide two indispensable functions: providing a lifeline to others JUST LIKE THEM (or at least in the same situation) and expose them and us to authentic Ethiopian-American culture. Ideally, this cross-communication with the local Ethiopian community will provide mentors and opportunities to explore and express themselves in the context of their native culture.

Right now the hardest part is laying the groundwork by making contacts and starting relationships. Nancy opened a dialog with the sizable Ethiopian community in Chicago, reaching out to the Ethiopian Community Association of Chicago, as well as the local Ethiopian Orthodox and Ethiopian Evangelical churches.

She stresses that the relationship between the Ethipian-American community can be mutually beneficial, believing that her partnership with these organization will, in her words, not only bring social and cultural connections for our adopted children, but will encourage greater patronage for Ethiopian businesses. Many of the families here are immigrants trying to find their way and make a life for themselves. They support themselves by opening restaurants, driving taxis and some have enough education to get professional positions, though very few. It is my hope that our community can in turn support their businesses and create opportunities for them to offer their skills (i.e Ethiopian cooking classes, Amharic classes for the children, having ET nannies/babysitters, etc.). Through this partnership it is my hope that there will be greater visibility for the ET community here in Chicago. They have a lot to offer.

Nancy’s connection to Ethiopia deepened significantly… and unexpectantly, when Nancy traveled to receive her daughter. She was picked up at the airport by an Ethiopian man named Tesfaye, an employee at the adoption agency’s care center. I happened to be the only one there at the time. It was love at first sight for him and for me, I knew he was really special but couldn't imagine a marriage relationship would result from our meeting.

They maintained a long-distance relationship after Nancy returned to America with her new daughter. Soon, they realized that they were ready to commit to each other forever. He is an amazing man and I believe we were both ready to accept the level of love we had for each other and create a partnership. It is an amazing story and one that has blessed our lives enormously.

Tesfaye only arrived in the beginning of February, and, per our government, the couple has only three months to wed. Tesfaye is currently perfecting his English, learning the ropes of being in America, experiencing his first Chicago winter and discovering that Ethiopian food just doesn’t taste the same outside of Ethiopia… enter, nachos!

Nancy and her unique family have great hopes for the future of IEKC. My vision is much broader. I aim to make it a non-profit organization that will either adopt or build a service project that will benefit the people of Ethiopia. I hope to make this a full-circle organization.

Ethiopia has quickly emerged as one of the main programs for international adoption. In cities and towns across the country, there is an ever-growing number of American families with Ethiopian children. There are also pockets of the Ethiopian Diaspora in those same cities. Grassroots community organizations such as Nancy’s create “win-win-win” scenarios for all involved, by capitalizing on the unique relationship between International Adoptees from Ethiopia (many adopted transracially), the Ethiopian-American community and native Ethiopian society, still strong, proud and independent, despite the challenges of poverty and disease. All of these benefits – the support for us, the economic enfranchisement of the Ethiopian-American community and the aid to Ethiopia, herself, will ultimately pay dividends for the most important people in all of our lives – our children.