Are We Guilty?

Anyone who's read recent posts here knows that I'm struggling with the "politics of the public". My "adoption journey" has pretty much followed a pattern: have an idea about something. Read something that butts up hard against said idea. Think-think-think (like Winnie-the-Pooh). Strongly reverse original opinion. In a sheerly Orwellian move, deny I ever held the first opinion, especially to my wife.

So, I ran across this Oprah article. It coincided with some posts on some boards and with a few of the essays in A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER. It smacked me for a loop, as it had never occurred to me that a child's story was "private". Brit can't even keep her junk private. What's private anymore?

I pretty much fully envisioned blabbing my child's entire rich, compelling story, whatever it will be (still waitin' on that referral), to every Joe Wal-Mart and Bettie Target who crosses my path.

This is the path of the unjust. This will get me banished from Oprah-ville (testosterone will also cause banishment, but I digress).

So, mostly out of fear of spending the rest of my miserable life shivering for want of Oprah's beatific grace, I pondered. I asked the smartest birthmother I cyber-know. I almost convinced myself that there's something to this PRIVACY thing.

Then, I ran across the following, from Amy's utterly charming blog, ETHIOPIA OR BUST. They currently have an endearing slideshow of the moment they got their referral.

It was kinda late, and, after I read it, I rambled in her comment section. I found myself having an actual OPINION. It came from the heart and it came all the more freely for the fact that it was just some rambling comment, to be passed over, on someone else's blog, rather than taking front and center on my own.

So, here's a chunk of Amy's post, addressing the "O" magazine article:

Guilty.

I was reading an article today in the April addition of Oprahs magazine. The article is called 8 Things NEVER to Say to an Adopted Child. The article is written by Elizabeth Cuthrell. Her and her husband are white and have adopted two girls from China. After reading the article I am guilty of doing many things wrong when I see interracial families. She states that she used to stare at interracial adoptive families and kind of follow them with her eyes, not because she was judging them or disapproving, but because she was approving and thought it was neat. She said that familes would catch her staring and she would "smile warmly in an effort to convey her support."(Guilty) She said she now realizes that those families do not need her support and that what they do need is for people to not notice, or at least not make a big deal of noticing. She said that she "Now understands that frequently interracially adopted kids and their families long for privacy; just to be treated like any other human being whose history the public does not assume it knows or assume it has the right to know." She went onto share some stories of people approaching her when she is with the girls and asking very bold, inappropriate questions regarding the girls backgrounds. For example:
Where did you get them?
How much did they cost you?
Is their father Chinese?
Do they speak English?

So, I am guilty. Just last week we were at dinner with Josh's parents. This white couple with a cute biracial baby boy walked by. I smiled at the parents, nudged Josh, the whole bit. The mother stopped because she thought I had said something....I had not said anything, but then told her that her son was beautiful. I said, where is he from? (Yes, I am an idiot) She said, he's biracial. She smiled and walked away. She was very sweet and kind. The only reason I asked where he was from was because I was so hoping he was from Ethiopia. Now I know she was secretly hating me and my nosiness. I now realize that clearly where he is from is none of my business. I don't go walking up to cute white babies asking where they are from.

Elizabeth Cuthrell went on to write:
"Someday I hope we will live in a world where racial or familial differences don't matter because well have achieved the understanding that one kind, or one way, is not necessarily better than anothers. As for now, I fear we routinely call unneeded attention to these differences. For example, why are Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's kids described as their "adopted kids?" Why aren't they just identified as "their kids?" Or why did the press write that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were expecting their first child when they already have a son and a daughter? We don't refer to how biological children become a part of their families, so why do we point out adoption?"

I sort of can feel this a bit. We have been asked about when we are going to try again to have biological children. It sometimes feels like others value biological children more. Right now, at this moment, today.....I don't know if I ever want to have "biological children." My heart is bursting with love for Silas. That is really all I can think about now.

The following is my comment:

I'm struggling with something similar on my blog, in which various experts have recommended that a child's story of origin is theirs and theirs alone, and, if asked if the kid still has a first family or not, or what the child's story is, you are supposed to basically tell people it's none of their business.

I find the Oprah author and the author to which I was responding both, frankly, full of it. That's my gut, but I'm open to being proven wrong.

I think that the world is not going to be particularly easy on our kids, and the more they see their situation being treated with honor and honesty and respect -- as DIFFERENT, but still GREAT -- can only embolden them to "own" their story.

To make it "private" to me is tantamount to shame. Or, worse yet, acting like they AREN'T different, when, in fact, they ARE. The problem comes when different equates with "less than". I think that, for a multi-cultural country, we are all pretty slow to realize that "different" means "a unique perspective" and "fresh insight", and that getting to know "different" people is a great way to broaden your horizons. So, I can't imagine, (unless someone is out-and-out racist) ever being "put off" by any questions, no matter how ignorant, because it's an opportunity to share our reality and experience with someone else. If we all do that, all the time, "different" won't be something to fear or "keep private" anymore.

So, will I be the worst adoptive father ever? Weigh in!